INS jokes
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Her: Awww... Yes!!!
Me: Good, then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
Q: What do you call 6 gay men in the army?
A: Rainbow Six Siege.
What does the "f" stand for in orphan?
Family.
James Woods, starring in the newest movie: "September 11, two thousand fun."
A guy stole my car last night. Before dialing 911 I thought, "Fuck it. Let him explain the dead bodies in the trunk."
What's worse than placing 10 babies in a trash can?
Placing 1 baby in 10 trash cans...
Where do fish keep their money?
In a riverbank!
If there is a divorce in West Virginia, are they still brother and sister?
The time when Michael Jackson came in his pajamas during the trial. Whether or not it was because he saw a 7-year-old boy has yet to be determined.
Why is the B so cool? Because it’s in between A and C.
A wise man once told me: "If you poke the bear in prison, the bear will happily return the favor when it's time to shower."
What do an X-Box and Michael Jackson have in common? They're both made of plastic and little kids turn them on.
What do pedophiles call children in wheelchairs?
"Meals on Wheels."
How many orphans does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they don't even got a home.
Why is flour retarded?
Because it's in-bread.
Christmas special
Me: Can you describe Mrs. Claus in 3 words? Santa: Ho ho ho.
I slept like a log last night... woke up in the fireplace.
Tibia honest, it takes a lot of spine to memorize all the bones in the skeletal system. I mean, there's a skele-ton of em! You gotta be boned up for the skeletal system exam, buddy chum pal. Now that was a humerus ribtickling skelepun. Besides, if ya don't know all of the bones in the skeletal system, get boned, fucking numbskull. Did those tickle your funny bone? Now I've been working down to the bone typing these puns, kid. Now if you hate all these, I won't be bothered, I got thick skin! But first, lemme take a skelfie in the skelevator playing my trom-bone. Now, I gotta go to Grillby's. They got a discount on spare-ribs. Bone-voyage, my homeslice breadslice dawg.
A mouse is just like a ball bearing.
Drench them in oil, and they stop squeaking.
An artist is commissioned to create a painting celebrating Soviet-Polish friendship, to be called "Lenin in Poland." When the painting is unveiled at the Kremlin, there is a gasp from the invited guests.
The painting depicts Lenin's wife naked in bed with Leon Trotsky.
"But this is a travesty! Where is Lenin?" asks one of the guests.
"Lenin is in Poland," replies the painter.