INS jokes
Your forehead is so big, your mom spent half of the time in the delivery room giving birth to just your head.
My mom said I need Jesus in my life, so I drunk up the holy water ;}
Someone in London is stabbed every two minutes. Poor guy.
My doctor said I only have 1 year to live, so I killed him. Got sentenced to life in prison, problem solved!
Why were the people in the Twin Towers such good readers?
They went through 110 stories in 10 seconds.
What do babies and grenades have in common? They both make noise when you throw them.
I entered 10 puns into a pun contest, hoping one would win, but no pun in ten did.
When 9/11 happened, we changed our airport policies. When school shootings happen, we haven't changed anything since the shooting at Columbine in 1999. And we say we want the children to be safe.
Why do rapists and pedophiles never win a race?
Because they always like to come in a little behind.
People complain we are overpopulated.
Well, then if we committed suicide, then why do they be sad? It's one less person to think about. Why complain about it when in the end we become sad people?
On a scale of Johnny Depp having an erectile dysfunction to Michael Jackson exposing himself in a child day care center, how hard is it to get into Oxford?
You realize you're in a paradox until you die. You'll see yourself die by murder, suicide, old age, etc.
Then you realize you're dreaming, but you realize that if you die in a dream, you die IRL.
Yo mama so stupid, she tried to take Snoop Dogg for a walk.
Yo mama so stupid, she tried to put Vin Diesel in her gas tank.
Yo mama so stupid, she tried to mop the floor with Taylor Swift.
Yo mama so stupid, she tried to ring Kristen Bell.
Yo mama so stupid, she tried to skim Dwayne Johnson across a lake.
What do you call it when Hitler puts retards in the oven? Baked potatoes.
A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub. Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd-shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders.
As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, "I'll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have sex with her and her response was, 'I don't know how you can make love to me with your type of body.' So I asked her, 'How about a little head?'"
My little cousin's birthday was in a few days, and his mom said he wanted Hot Wheels. So I sent him a video of me pushing a paralyzed kid into fire and screaming "HOT WHEELS!"
What does a pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?
They can both smell it, but they can’t eat it.
Many years of sex in the dark.
The wife finds out he was using a dildo. The wife gets angry and says, "Explain the dildo, prick!"
The husband says, "Explain the children, bitch!"
What does the starship Enterprise & toilet paper have in common?
Answer: They both circle Ur-Anus looking for Kling-Ons!
When Stephen Hawking was feeling hungry, he used to call in to his local PC World for a megabyte and some microchips.