INS jokes

Donald Trump has too much sand in his vagina.

The ocean didn't start smelling like fish until women started swimming in it.

A man awakes in a hospital and is confused. He decides to feel his legs, but to no avail.

"Doctor, doctor!" He cries out.

"What is it?" The doctor asks.

"I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor stands there for a moment - completely dumbfounded.

". . . That's because I amputated your arms."

Let’s say there’s a person who should have never come to exist. How would you find them?

A: Look in a mirror.

What's the difference between putting a baby and a pizza in an oven?

The pizza doesn't scream in the oven.

Robyn Olive in 10.

What do you call a retarded three legged doggo heckin pupper monster? A 1996 Dodge Neon with a broken tail light cover and 166,748.46 miles on the odometer.

It could use a tune up and it needs a new transmission soon. New rear tires and a new radiator. Test drives with cash in hand. HMU motivated seller. Don’t waste my time and no lowballs.

What do pigs and ink have in common?

They both go in a pen.

A knife is like hallucinations, both in your head.

My neighbor is like my marriage. They're both in the hole.

What goes in soft and comes out hard?

Gum, you whore!

I know a girl in a wheelchair. I realize now why she couldn’t do sports because the coaches wanted 100% from her, but she was only able to give 50%.

Things you never want to do in jail:

- Never piss off an inmate. - Don’t start fights with the cops. - Don’t drop the soap. - Don’t run away from the cops.

My mother wanted to test my responsibility and wanted me to cook dinner for the family to help me understand how it feels to constantly cook for a whole family. So, me with my horrible humor, decided to make a giant joke for when dinner time came around, and so I just got four plates and set them in front of my family and I then said, "Here you are, a fine African meal." Then everybody looked at me in disappointment, and then I continued to say, "What? Poor taste?"

In life, it’s either yeet or get beat, and I clearly failed yeeting as a child, as my dad beat me.

To the guy asking what joy I find in suicide jokes, the answer is simple. I make suicide jokes to cope with my crippling depression. Must be working, cause I'm still here.

How did Helen Keller's mom punish her? She put her in a circular room and told her to find the corner.

So an orphan was crying in a corner in the dark. Then a man came over and asked, "Why are you crying?"

Then said, "Do you want me to get your parents?"

What do McDonald's and a priest have in common? They both stick their meat in 10-year-old buns.

I like my cigars like I like my women:

Seven years old coming from Cuba in a burlap sack.