INS jokes
What was the Roman Empire cut in half by?
A pair of Caesars.
In my house, good sex sounds like seals slapping each other.
What does Michael Jackson and a Playstation have in common?
They're both made of plastic and children turn them on.
I saw a person raping a woman in an alleyway. I decided to help...she doesn't stand a chance between us.
What does Germany and the rest of the world have in common? They both use gases to poison one thing or another.
What shoes do pedophiles wear? White vans.
How do pedophiles fit in? They force it to go in.
How do you make a 16 mm hole into a 40 mm hole? A pedophile comes in.
What did Santa say when he was passing over some hookers? "Ho ho ho!"
What do you call a mosquito in your language?
We don't call them, they just come and bite.
Why did the blondie put her iPad in the blender? To make apple juice.
Why don't people play hide-and-seek in the number 4?
Because it would take forever. Get it? "For-ever" and "4" four, so "four ever."
Hot shingles in your neighborhood wanting to get nailed.
Many years of sex in the dark.
The wife finds out he was using a dildo. The wife gets angry and says, "Explain the dildo, prick!"
The husband says, "Explain the children, bitch!"
Two mums hook up!
Their daughter comes in the room and says, "Which one's the baby daddy?"
The "mum" points to the woman who was actually a man!
When Sara gets naked in the shower, she turns her taps on :)
A man goes for his annual checkup. Afterward, he's sitting in the doctor's office, and the doctor comes in with the results of his tests. The doctor says, "I have some bad news; you have cancer and Alzheimer's." The man replies, "Well, at least I don't have cancer."
Why should you never fart in an Apple store?
Because they have no Windows!
Roses are red, Burnt bodies are black.
You'd look great With a knife in your back.
What does your mom and a slinky have in common?
They aren't much to look at, but you can't help but crack a smile when you see them tumbling down the stairs.
I had a horrible nightmare yesterday. I was in a room filled with all of my ex's, so I was completely alone.
I love how in horror movies the person calls out, "Hello," as if the psycho will answer, "Hey, what's up? I'm in the kitchen. Want a sandwich?"
A bicurious man goes to a gay bar.
A gay man offers him a drink.
The bi man explains he doesn't know if he's gay or not.
"That's fine," he says, "let's just have a drink."
The gay man asks him for a dance, and he explains again he isn't sure if he's gay or not.
Eventually, the gay man invites him to go home with him to hang out as friends.
They get to his house, and the gay man says, "Do you fancy having sex?"
He isn't sure, so the gay man explains, "I'll push in slow, and at any point you want to stop, make animal sounds, and if you like it, start singing."
So they get to it, and the gay man pushes in slowly, the bi man bursts out "MOOOOO MOOOOO MOOOOOOVVVEE CCLOSSEEERRRR"