INS jokes
So, a daughter goes to her dad and says, "Daddy, can I borrow the car?" He then tells her, "You know what to do." So then she proceeds to suck him off, almost immediately pulls out in disgust, and says, "Ugh, tastes like shit." Her dad then said, "Damn, I forgot your brother took the car."
You watch 50 Shades of Grey, and you turn grey in bed.
Nolan is a mole, who lives in a hole, and then had intercourse with a troll.
I remember my mom's last words before her divorce, "Did you just load in me?"
What do James Doyle and Hannah Doyle have in common?
John fucked them both in the rear.
Q: Two skeletons walk into a bar. What happens?
A: They fall.
(They walked into a BAR, as in a rod or whatnot.)
Did you hear that story "Three Lines in the Sand?" By dickadraggin'.
What's black and white and red all over????? A zebra in a blender!
A blond and her brunette friend were chatting about their boyfriends; the brunette goes on and on about how dirty her boyfriend is with her.
To not be outdone, the blond retorts:
"That's nothing! Once we were in the kitchen, I can't believe I didn't see it coming. One minute I turned, and he just got it all on my face! It was so thick and hard! It covered my mouth, my nose, my shoulders, and eyes. It even got in my hair, and when I looked up at him, all he could say was, 'Whoops! The flower went everywhere!'"
Say "I'm a man" after every sentence.
You walk into a bar. (I'm a man.) You find a girl. (I'm a man.) You take her home. (I'm a man.) She whispers in your ear. (I'm a man.)
How many fat people are in my house?
20, counting the kids in the basement.
People can say whatever they want about pedophiles. At least they are pursuing their dreams.
In a white van.
What do Jesus and I have in common? Our dads left us...
I lost all faith in humanity. I am moving to Uranus; it's really big. I might get lost.
So, I was walking down the path of my life with Bigfoot, noticing the two pairs of footprints, mine and his.
One day, I notice his prints are gone. I look up to him and say, "You had promised you would always be there for me. How is this possible?"
He then looks me straight in the eyes and says, "Raw!"
Two priests are in a bar. One says to the other priest, "I'll swap you two fives for a ten."
You: Say "addicted" after everything I say.
Person: Uh okay.
You: When you're obsessed with candy you are...?
Person: Addicted.
You: When you're obsessed with drugs you are...?
Person: Addicted.
You: What hit you in the face last night?
Person: Addicted... *laughs*
(It's supposed to sound like "A dick did")
How do you punch 40 kids in the face at once? Hit them with a “Sandy Hook”.
Yo mama so fat, she fell in love with a skinny dude and tried to hug him but crushed him.
What room does a ghost not want to be in?
The living room.