INS jokes

I asked my mom what her biggest regret was for a project at school, and she said, "Oh, go look in the bathroom above the sink..." There was a mirror.

So, a husband and a wife have three kids. The husband is on his death bed, and he looks up at his wife and says, "Honey, is our youngest son truly and honestly mine?" She says in response, "I swear on everything that is good and holy, our youngest son is yours." He dies peacefully.

Then she says under her breath, "I'm glad he didn't ask about the first two."

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?

They stuck her in a round room and told her to find the penny in the corner.

How many emissions does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, they just sit in the dark and cry.

What's the difference between a hamster and a cigarette?

They're both harmless until you stick them in your mouth and light them on fire.

I saw a kid on the side of the road covered in rags and asked if he was an orphan. He said, "What gave me away?" I said, "Your parents."

If you were a fruit, you would be a fineapple.

If you were a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital.

What do a brand new house, me, and new jewelry box have in common?

We're all empty on the inside.

I was having issues in my personal and professional life. I hated everyone. I was on the brink of a mental breakdown and depression. I decided to see a therapist about it. The therapist suggested that I should write letters to the people I hate and then burn them. I must admit I feel much better...

But now I don't know what to do with the letters.

My grandma was telling me to be positive, as I was going in for an AIDS test.

What does an orphan not have in common with a criminal?

Criminals are wanted.

So, a bus crashes, killing everyone on the bus, and God feels so bad that He gives each one a wish.

The first person comes up, and she wants to be beautiful, so God makes her beautiful, and she goes into Heaven. The next person comes up, and he says, "I want to be beautiful as well." As this goes on, the last man in the back begins laughing a little, everyone becoming beautiful, until God asked the last person what they want, and he said, "I want everyone in front of me to be ugly again!" So God had to call the based department and gave him everything that last guy wanted.

When I found out that 10 billion bowls of soup are consumed each year in AMERICA, I thought to myself, "I thought soup was healthy. Apparently not!"

Scratches on an icy road and kills 50 people on the bus, and when they get to Heaven, God feels so bad for them and grants them all one wish.

The first lady in the line was always worried about her looks, so she wished to be beautiful, and the guy behind her couldn’t think of what to wish about, so he also wished to be beautiful. This kept on going, but the guy at the end of the line started to laugh. When he got to God, God says, “What is your one wish, my son?” He said, “I wish you can make them all ugly again.”

What do you call a guy in a wheelchair that walks into a fire?

Hot Wheels.

My dad died in the attacks. He was the best pilot Pakistan has ever seen, Allahu Akbar!

My dad died in the attacks. He was the best pilot for Pakistan.

What does an orphan not have in common with criminals?

Criminals are wanted.

What do tomatoes 🍅 learn to do in a race?

Ketchup!

I saw a kid on the curb while I was on a walk, and he was in baggy clothes, and I said, "Are you an orphan?" He said, "Yeah." And the orphan said, "What gave me away?" I said, "Ur parents."