INS jokes

Bartender

    • A guy walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and says, "If I can surprise you, I get a free drink." The bartender was unsure but agreed.

    The guy pulled a 30cm long pianist out of his pocket, and he starts to play.

    The bartender was surprised and gave the guy a free drink.

    The guy then says, "You see, I have a little wizard in my pocket that grants wishes. Can I get another free drink if you get a free wish?"

    The bartender agrees without hesitation.

    The bartender wishes for 1000 bucks, but he gets 1000 ducks.

    "WTF!" the man shouts.

    The guy answered, "Did you think I wanted a 30cm long pianist?"

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    • Tree

    • Friend #1: "What's your favourite thing about trees?"

    Friend #2: "Apples"

    Me: "I can hang myself in them."

    Nickel

    • Little Johnny was in class and the teacher said, "Okay class, what's behind my back?" She said, "It's round and red," and Sally said, "Ooh, ooh, it's an apple!" And the teacher said, "No, but I like where you're going with this." So now the teacher said, "It is also used to make multiple things," and Sally said, "Ooh, ooh, it's a container of paint!" And the teacher said, "Again, no, but I like where you're going with this." And the teacher said, "It's a ball of yarn," as she pulled it out from behind her back. Then Little Johnny said, "Okay, my turn." He said, "What's in my pocket? It's round and it has a head." And the teacher said, "That's enough, Johnny, now sit down." And Little Johnny pulled the thing out of his pocket and said, "It's a nickel, but I like where you're going with this."

  • 3

    • Teacher

    • The teacher asked the class what they wanted to be when they grew up.

    Johnny said when he grows up he's going to be a motherfucking hustler. He's going to have a wife and live in a big house in the country with maids and butlers and drive a Rolls-Royce, and he's also going to have an apartment in the city where his side bitch is going to live. He's going to buy her expensive jewelry, whatever she wants: cars, diamonds, clothes, shoes.

    The teacher didn't know what to say, so she calls on Sally. "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

    Sally said, "I want to be Johnny's bitch."

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