Im jokes

What? A telephone? Nah, I'm using a telebone.

Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii I'm famous!

I'm Gay.

Two atoms are walking down the street, and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I’m positive!"

I met a guy in a wheelchair today. His face was battered and bruised. "What happened to your face?" I asked.

"I'm a Paralympian," he replied.

"Boxing?"

"No, ... hurdles."

A pedophile and a little boy are walking into the woods late at night.

The little boy says, "I'm scared."

The pedophile says, "You think you're scared? I have to walk back alone!"

Two horses are standing in a field. "I'm so hungry I could eat a horse," says the first.

"Moo!" says the second.

My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with pasta. -- I'm doing well, but I do get cannelloni.

I just found out I'm colorblind. It came out of the yellow.

My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. But if I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.

9 out of 10 Americans are stupid... I'm so glad I'm in the 1%.

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."

"Well, I'm your man," I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. -- I'm not really a mourning person.

"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital."

"Aaron, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."

Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?" The other says, "I'm a big metal fan."

I'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is "the stupidest country in the world." Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "What are you going to do now?"

God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."

A vampire walks into a bar and orders a cup of hot water. The bartender asks, "I thought you guys only drink blood?"

The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "I'm making tea."

All of these jokes are so dark, I'm surprised cops haven't shot them.

"I'm sorry," the doctor says, "you have a rare and very contagious disease. We must quarantine you, and you'll only be fed cheese and bologna."

"Will that cure me?" the patient asks.

"Well, no," the doctor replies, "but it's the only food that will fit under the door."