If jokes
If someone calls you dirty minded just say:
"You are dirty minded as well if you understand what I'm saying."
I bought a wooden whistle. I tried so hard, but it wouldn't whistle.
So I bought a steel one. It still wouldn't let me whistle. Then I got a lead one. It still wouldn't lead me whistle. Then I realised, they were flutes, so the wood would lead me whistle if I did it correctly. Steel....
What do you get if you do not eat? Dry.
What do you get if you eat sugar?
High.
What do you get if you cross hot wheels, hot legs? Hehe.
Your Mom tells you to take out the trash, and the next day the Police are asking if you bombed the School.
Because all I do is pound it, man. I would put you on my "600 Pound Life" if you didn't weigh 1,000.
Because all I do is pound it, man, I would put you on my 600 lb life if you didn't weigh a thousand.
One day, the teacher asks a boy, "Why can't fish talk underwater?"
The kid says, "If I put your head underwater, will you be able to talk?"
How do we get a butt? God made us like that, and we can't change it. If you wanted to, you have to die <:
God promised John that if he came in 1st, he would get an eternal life, but instead he came in 5th and got a kettle!
My wife and I have reached the decision that we do not want children.
If anyone does, please comment your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
If you're American outside the restroom, what are you in the restroom?
European.
What are you on your way to the bathroom?
Russian.
If Donald Trump had sex with an orange, guess what his son would be?
An orange tree! :>
If you tell a girl they're pretty, they won't believe you. If you tell them they're ugly, they'll never forget it.
Elephants never forget.
A man walks into a bar. He sits down and orders a beer. After 10 shots of vodka, the guy had, the bartender figured if he talked to him, he would tell him everything as he’s not sober.
Bartender: Hey, that’s some nice jewellery you have there. It must be expensive.
Guy: Yeah, this bracelet is made of 100% diamond. It cost me like 250 thousand dollars. What a bargain, eh?
Bartender: Seems like you make a lot of money. What do you do for a living?
Guy: I take cash from the bank and don’t give it back. It takes a lot of moral courage to rob banks to provide for my family.
Bartender: What? If that’s the case, then why do you even pay for the jewellery or this beer? You’re a hypocrite, that’s what you are, justifying robbing people as a living.
Guy: Hypocrite? You’re right. I'm living with double standards to justify my actions.
(5 seconds later)
Guy: Aye, open the cash register and give me your wallet or I will blow your fucking brains out. I fucking hate hypocrites and I will not gonna be one of em!
Mom: I'm going to the shop. If someone is at the door, don't open it.
Me: Ok.
*Ring*
Me: Opens the door.
Oh sh*t!
Mom: Gets flip flop.
If you throw a nun, is it called a... Nunchuck???
Me playing a game...
What did God just stop? Are hearts cause we didn't kill each other.
Like if that was good.
How does a paedophile know if he's good at sex?
It'll forever be a mystery because the victims [are] too young to scream his name.