If jokes

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If you like penis.

Talking about planets with my nephew.

He asked if you could plow thru Uranus because it's all gas.

I talk about the girls in my math class simping over anime characters and making random ships as well as for Miraculous Ladybug children's show, whatever the show is called, but it's a kids show. 💀 Now they’re searching up pictures of Tom Holland laughing in their absolute weirdness.

I like Tom Holland, but these kids man, they like him like they’re in a relationship. They might as well start kissing and licking the screen. They’re probably writing fanfictions in their free time when they aren’t searching up kids show characters, anime characters, and Tom Holland pics on their SCHOOL CHROMEBOOK. Their only device choice was a school-provided laptop which is monitored by the school while they are writing fan fictions on Google Docs and searching up some weird Tom Holland stuff. Imagine how Tom Holland would feel if he found out that there are 11 year old girls searching up some weird stuff about him.

If the noose breaks, stab yourself!

If the knife is dull, shoot yourself!

If the gun's out of ammo, *YOU'RE HERE TO SUFFER ETERNALLY.*

If I was God, my parents would be anesthetists.

There were 3 blonde scientists...wait that’s not the joke. The first one said “we are going to pilot the first unmanned spacecraft to land on the sun.”

The second one said “but we can’t do that - if we get within 5 feet of the sun we’ll freeze to death!”

The third blonde says “so we go at night.”

What's life if you don't have one...

If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep... That’ll give you a reason to get up in the morning.

Why is 8 scared of 7?

Because 7 8 9. If you think it doesn't make sense, then it is "7 ate 9."

If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep... That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.

If an old person tells you what to do just say, "At least my parents are alive!"

I asked a man if I was the fastest gun in the west. He said my 17 wasn't good enough. After that, a lot of lead went into his head.

If I had two nickels every time PETA parodied a game, I'd have 14.

What do you call a white kid at the back of the class?

School shooter.

It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

If a tomato is a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?

I don't see why women are complaining about the glass ceiling. I mean, if they reach high enough, they can clean it...

If she refuses to suck and threatens to bite, just knock her teeth out. Call it the “Bloody Gummer”.

A woman exclaims that she was robbed. She was reading in the dark, candles were next to her. She says the thief opens her cabin of jewelry and leaves and enters from the window. He left the window open so she feels a drift of wind coming towards her. She turns the lights on and sees what happened.

The candle wax was going down straight. A policeman closes the window and cabin then tells her she's lying just for the cash reward. Why?

Because if the drift of wind came in, the candle wax would be dripping to the side, not straight!