My friend asked me if bees can fly in the rain. I replied, "Not without their yellow jackets."

What did the pilots say before crashing into the Twin Towers?

"We can't go over it, we can't go under it, we go through it!"

There was a woman from Ealing, she had a peculiar feeling. She laid on her back, opened her crack, and pissed all over the ceiling.

When I'm bored, I go into an elevator with a full duffle bag. Once people come in and the door closes, I zip open the bag a little bit and whisper to it, "I'll get you some food once we get off."

What's the difference between an emo kid and a pack of Oreos? The bar code on the emo kid gets longer every day.

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  • My son asked me what dark humor was, so I told him, "see that kid in the wheelchair, ask him to stand." He said, "But Dad I'm blind." Exactly.

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  • Welcome to Antonio’s pizza and abortion, where yesterday’s loss is today’s sauce!

    What’s the difference between an emo and grass? The grass doesn’t cut itself :D

    So you know there's like dog mixes, right? Like a Snoodle and that stuff, right? So why can't a bulldog and a shih tzu be mixed? 'Cause if they did, it would be called bullshit.

    Teacher: What’s the closest planet?

    Kids yell: Sun.

    Except for one.

    Other kid: Uranus.

    Teacher: Uranus?

    Other kid: Yeah, it’s right there.

    Why do orphans eat cereal with water?

    Because their daddy still hasn't come home with the milk.