Hows jokes

The worst thing about an owl is how they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.

Friend: *hits head* Others: How many fingers am I holding up? Me to friend: How suicidal am I on a scale from one to ten? Friend: Ten Me: He's fine guys.

My wife caught me one day for watching a porn channel, so I quickly turned the TV to a fishing channel. On her way out, she said: "You should stay on the porn channel. You know how to fish!"

How do we know that the ocean is friendly? It waves.

How long does it take for 10 dead babies to paint a wall? Depends how hard you throw them.

When I was little, I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike. I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead, I just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.

I was at a funeral for some kids in a school shooting. I don't understand why everyone was so sad, so I asked a lady, "what's so sad?" and she said "What do you think was running through these kid's heads before they died?" I replied "probably a bullet". She gasped and said "do you have any idea how insensitive that is? What do you think is running through their parent's heads?" I said "probably all the money they're losing from this funeral."

How is the world like dirt?

Because we don't think twice about it.

How do you keep your friends from boring you with pictures of their children?

Every time they show you a new one, you say, "Oh FUCK yeah!"

[being buried alive]

Murderer: *out of breath* How are you eating the dirt so quickly?

My dad told me that his dreams were shattered a few years ago.

Then I asked him how many years ago.

He replied with, "When were you born?"

My dad came over late at night. He was drunk. He started telling me how useless I was. Then I went to the kitchen, grabbed a knife, and stabbed him in the chest 47 times.

Three minutes later, he died. Now I’m losing my mind and cutting myself.

Two friends are talking and one says, "I had a good day today, I ran into my ex." The other guy replies, "How is that good?" The friend says, "I was in my car."

A couple is on their first date.

Man: How do you feel about sex?

Woman: I like it infrequently.

Man: I see. Is that one word or two?

How did your dad come back with the milk? The Milky Way.

How do orphans have a family reunion?

They use a Ouija board.

Three men are outside Heaven's gates waiting to go through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them, "Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven."

The first guy says, "I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times." The angel gives him an old model pick up. The second guy says, "11 years and only once," and is granted a Mercedes.

The last man says, "20 years and not once. I loved her with all my heart," and with the angel impressed, he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later, the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says, "I know we are dead, but it could be much worse."

The guy looks up and says, "How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard!"

The cold winter night, there was a cabin in the woods. The cabin housed 3 men. The men were gay but they did not know.

Fili: "Fili." Kili: "And Kili." Fili and Kili: "At your service." Kili: "You must be Mr. Baggins." Bilbo: "No! You can’t come in, you’ve come to the wrong house." Kili: "What?! Has it been canceled?" Fili: "No one told us." Bilbo: "Can...! No, nothing’s been canceled." Kili: "That’s a relief." Fili: "Careful with these, I just had them sharpened." Kili: "It’s nice, this place. Did you do it yourself?" Bilbo: "Uh...no, it’s been in the family for years. That’s my mother’s glory box, can you please not do that?" Dwalin: "Fili, Ki­li, come on, give us a hand." Kili: "Mr. Dwalin." Balin: "Let’s shove this in the hole, or otherwise we’ll never get everyone in." Bilbo: "Ev...everyone?! How many more are there? Oh, no! No, no. There’s nobody home! Go away, and bother somebody else! There’s far too many dwarves in my dining room as it is. If...if this is some blockhead’s idea of a joke, I can only say, it is in very poor taste!" One of the Dwarves: "Get off, you big lump!"

Then the men only had one seat they had in the cabin. It was a bar seat. they were able to flip it upside down and fit all of them on it.

How did Helen Keller get punished?

Her parents gave her a bomb and told her to eat it.

Yesterday I wanted to look up the term "procrastination".

I swear, I'll do it tomorrow.