Hows jokes
It's funny dating someone smarter than you. My girlfriend knows how to push my buttons but never takes into account what a dick I can be if need be. Let me explain. Say, for example, she calls me retarded, I remind her that she's dating me.
Q: How come in airports, they park the planes outside?
A: They don't belong in buildings.
How do you get a slag from Dundee pregnant?
Spunk in the gutter and let the flies do the work…
How do you get an emo kid to jump?
A bridge.
How to get a girl in three steps:
Step 1: grab a pillow.
Step 2: grab a blanket.
Step 3: keep dreaming.
How do you rape a girl?
By doing a tornado kick to your head since you stupid kids like rape jokes!
How many gay guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one... But it takes the entire emergency room to take it out.
How do fat people settle arguments?
By bumping into each other to see who falls over first.
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? That's a silly question. Feminists can't change anything.
I bet for Halloween you were a Goblin. How about you gobble deez nuts?
How do you know when it’s bedtime at Michael Jackson’s house?
The big hand is on the little hand!
How many police officers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
How do Chinese people name their children?
They throw pots and pans down the stairs and listen for the sounds, "Ching Chong Chang."
How many ears does Captain Picard have?
Three: A left ear, a right ear, and a final front-ear.
The teacher asked a young boy in primary school, "Can you tell me the alphabet?"
To which the boy replies, "No."
The teacher then sets his homework to learn the alphabet.
At home, the boy goes up to his mum, who is on the phone, and asks, "Can you tell me the alphabet?"
"Shut up," she replied.
The boy goes to his dad, who just won the footie match, and asks, "Can you teach me the alphabet?"
But the dad is too busy celebrating and shouting, "Hell yeah! Hell yeah! Yeaaahh!"
The boy goes to his big brother and asks him to teach him the alphabet.
But his brother is singing, "I'm Michael Jackson, I'm Michael Jackson!"
The boy goes to his sister and asks her for the alphabet.
But his sister is singing, "In my big red car, in my big red car!"
The next day the teacher asks him the alphabet.
The boy replies, "Shut up."
"Alright, I'm sending you to the principal's office right now."
The boy replies, "Hell yeah! Hell yeah! Yeaaahh!"
In the office, the principal says, "Who do you think you are?"
The boy replies, "I'm Michael Jackson, I'm Michael Jackson!"
The principal now says, "How do you think you'll get away with this?"
The boy then replies, "In my big red car, in my big red car!"
How long does it take for 10 dead babies to paint a wall? Depends how hard you throw them.
How many feminists does it take to fix a lightbulb?
9: one to screw the lightbulb, one to film it, one to post about it on a women empowerment social media page, one to complain that the man didn’t screw the lightbulb, one to say that women deserve to screw more lightbulbs, one to try to get #womenlightbulbscrewers trending on Twitter, one to bring a man and show him the screwing, one to say that women are better than men at screwing lightbulbs, and one to make a speech about the lightbulb.
"Guess how I got to Germany so fast?" "Because I was Russian!"
HEY! You guys need to S T O P making Stephen Hawking jokes. He has done so much for the theoretical physics world, and THIS is how you choose to repay him? All 653 of you should be ashamed of yourselves.
A pedophile is chatting on the internet: "On a scale of one to ten, how old are you?"