Hows jokes
How to kill a blond: put a scratch & sniff in a pool.
How is a priest like a wristwatch?
They both start at 12.
How to get your woman to come upstairs? Say you are naked.
The Sunday school teacher is a little concerned that his kids might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, “Where is Jesus today?”
Little Suzy replies, “He’s in heaven.”
Little Mary replies, “He’s in my heart.”
Little Johnny says, “He’s in the bathroom!”
The teacher says, “How do you know this?”
Then little Johnny says, “Well, every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, “Jesus Christ are you still in there!?””
Yesterday I wanted to look up the term "procrastination".
I swear, I'll do it tomorrow.
How are peppers 🌶 so nosey?
They get jalapeño business.
How is baseball like cake?
They both need batters.
Some of you people on here are complete incels and need to learn how to spell and properly construct simplistic grammatical sentences that actually make sense.
How do you know a cannibal picnic is over?
Everyone's eaten.
Chuck Norris once said that he didn't like the plane he was riding in. Out of sadness, the plane committed suicide. How, you ask? Ask the Twin Towers.
Who works at IHOP? A girl with one leg.
P1: Why did the chicken cross the road?
P2: To get to the other side DUH?!?
P1: No dumbass, it's to get run over because he has depression, a chronic illness, and his father left him for a good for nothing pimp that doesn’t even give a shit about how he feels. (Kinda like me).
P2: Holy shit are u ok? *Some random eavesdropping fucker dials 911 in a hurry*
How do you think the unthinkable? With an iceberg.
How many times does Ariana Grande knock at the door?
She doesn’t, she just uses 7 rings.
How do you circumcise a redneck?
Kick his sister in the chin.
Why did an old man fall in a well? Because he couldn’t see that well!
Why did the actor fall through the floorboards? They were going through a stage!
Why did a scarecrow win a Nobel prize? He was outstanding in his field!
Why are peppers the best at archery? Because they habanero!
What did the duck say after she bought chapstick? Put it on my bill!
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta!
What did the three-legged dog say when he walked into a saloon? “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw!”
How do you tell the difference between a bull and a cow? It is either one or the udder!
What’s red and smells like blue paint? Red paint!
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is very heavy, the other is a little lighter!
How does Stephen Hawking take a shit? He logs out.
How did the skeleton know it was about to rain?
"Because he felt it in his bones?"
No,
He read the weather app, you idiot.
How many fingers am I holding up?
Said the suicide bomber, referring to the countdown.
How does the man on the moon cut his hair?
Eclipses it!
Wanna know how I got away from Iraq? Iran.