Hows jokes
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
They put doorknobs on a wall and said, "Open the door."
Anyone know how to get an A on the "An Inspector Calls" section of the GCSE paper?
What are the first four letters of the alphabet?
Mum: (noticing the child's hair is too long) "You need a haircut."
Brother: (winning a game on PlayStation) "Yes! Get in!"
Uncle: (making plans) "We're gonna go and see The Bodyguard."
Aunt: (singing a song from the show after overhearing the conversation) "I have nothing, nothing, nothing... if I don't have you."
Next day...
Student: I know the alphabet.
Teacher: OK, go on.
Student: "You need a haircut."
Teacher: How dare you make comments like this! Do you want to go to the headteacher?
Student: "Yes! Get in!"
Teacher: What do you think you're going to be doing?
Student: "We're gonna go and see The Bodyguard."
*In headteacher's office*
Headteacher: Now, I hear you were very rude to the literacy teacher earlier. What do you have to say for yourself?
Student: "I have nothing, nothing, nothing... if I don't have you."
You want to know how to spot a foster kid?
Them carrying their whole life in a Hefty trash bag.
How did the shark do on his math test?
Jawesome!
How can you tell an anti-vaccine kid?
It's only got 10 hours to live.
You know how 6 was afraid of 7 because 7 8 9?
Well, how do you think 10 feels being in the middle of 9 11?
My cousin really loves baseball.
He always brags about how many home runs he hit in the minors.
(To a thief) If you like taking things, how about you take my life?
A 28 year old woman, Olga, in Meshchovsk, Russia took justice into her own hands when a 32 year old male robber, Viktor, decided to rob her salon. She tied him, feeding him only Viagra, having sex with him over and over. After a few days, she released him after he stated he learned his lesson and wouldn't go to the police. He lied and went to the police anyways. Both were arrested.
After his sentence was over, Viktor sat down to speak to the local news. The reporter asked Viktor, "How was this whole ordeal?" Viktor replied, "I've had better."
How do you stun a Scotsman?
Ask them to say "purple burglar alarm".
How did the rich save the poor?
They didn't let them in the Titanic.
I was at a funeral for some kids in a school shooting. I don't understand why everyone was so sad, so I asked a lady, "what's so sad?" and she said "What do you think was running through these kid's heads before they died?" I replied "probably a bullet". She gasped and said "do you have any idea how insensitive that is? What do you think is running through their parent's heads?" I said "probably all the money they're losing from this funeral."
How do tourists feed their kids?
Here comes the airplane, here comes the second one.
How do you get 50 babies into a car?
You blend them.
How do you catch an elephant?
Act like a peanut.
How would Steven Hawking's mom punish him as a kid?
Power off his chair.
How many times does 50 fit into 9?
Get in a van and find out!
Why are Mexican families so big?
They don’t know how to put a condom on.
How do you know if a black lady’s pregnant?
You put a banana up her vagina and see if any little monkeys come and get it.