Hows jokes
Suzy: How did Jonah fit in the whale?
Teacher: Whales are very big but have small mouths, so Jonah did not actually fit in the whale.
Suzy: Well, the Bible says he did.
Teacher: He did not.
Suzy: When I get to heaven I will ask him how he fit in.
Teacher: How do you know he went to heaven? Maybe he went to hell.
Suzy: Then you can ask him.
What's white and annoying at breakfast? An avalanche.
Why did little Suzy fall off the swing? She got hit by an axe.
Why did little Billy drop his ice cream? He got hit by a bus.
How do you make a plumber cry? Kill his family.
One Easter Sunday, a man goes to church and returns home with two black eyes.
His wife inquires as to how he got the black eyes.
The man goes on to say, “a lady stood up in front of me during mass, I saw her dress was stuck in her butt crack, so I reached out and tugged it out. She whirled around, became furious, and punched me in the eye.”
“That explains one black eye,” the wife says, “but what about the other?” The man explains, “I figured she must have liked her dress stuck up in her butt crack, so when she turned around I stuffed it back up there.”
How do rappers stay cool in the summer?
They drop ICE COLD rhymes.
How much drugs did Charlie Sheen take?
Enough to kill two and a half men.
A man is telling his story to someone. "My friends always said that they would kill me if I wore Gucci or Supreme. On April 1st, I wore both and conversed with them."
"Interesting."
"That's the story of how I got to the morgue," he says to The Gatekeeper of Heaven.
Hey Explain bear, how would you like to be replaced by #ExplainNibbles the hamster AI?
How do you spot a cow?
With a bingo dabber.
How do you call an iPhone cover in Germany?
An apple bag. 😜
Hey, you there, were you raised on a chicken farm? 'Cause you really know how to raise a cock!
Why is death taken so lightly? It's terrible how people use it! (This is NOT a joke!)
How can a pimp save money in buying condoms for his stable?
Answer: Have his hoes wash and rinse them after every use.
How long was the owl trick or treating?
Owl night long!
Luke asks his friend, "How old is your father?"
James replied, "He's as old as me."
Luke then said, "It doesn't make any sense."
James then said, "He became my father when I was born."
What’s Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination? HAAAAND EEEEEEEEEYYYYEEE!
What’s better than Ted Danson? Ted singing and Danson!
What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business!
What does a baby computer call his father? Data!
What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!
Why did the golfer change his pants? Because he got a hole in one!
Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
I bought a ceiling fan the other day. Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying “Ooh, I love how smooth it is.”
How many squirrels does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two, but how they got in there's the real mystery!
Q: How heavy is a photon?
A: It's light!
How does a train dance?
It bogies!
How do asses communicate?
Through booty calls!
How are baseball and an orphan different?
A baseball game you can do a home run.