Hows jokes
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
How do you know if your wife is dead?
Sex is the same, but the dishes keep piling up.
How did the Java programmer's son get rich?
Because of inheritance.
A prisoner was told how he'll be executed. Needless to say, he was shocked.
How does a mathematician get tan?
sin/cos.
How do you stop your newspaper from flying away in the wind? -- Use a news anchor.
How does a cow become invisible? -- Through camooflage.
How does a fish always know how much they weigh? -- Because they have their own scales.
How do you count cows? -- With a cowculator.
How much does it cost a pirate to pierce his ears?
A buccaneer.
How do trees get online? -- They just log in.
How do Mexicans feel about Trump's wall? -- They'll get over it.
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.
How does NASA organize a party? -- They planet.
How many animals can jump higher than a skyscraper? -- All of them, skyscrapers can't jump.
No matter how kind you are, German children are kinder.
I was going to buy a pocket calculator. But then I thought, who cares how many pockets I have?
My boyfriend came over today and stole my milk. How dairy!
"How is your long distance relationship going?" -- "So far, so good."