Hows jokes
When I was little, I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike. I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead I just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.
How many babies does it take to make dinner?
Three to four; there's not a lot of meat on them.
How many dead babies does it take to paint my room?
It depends how many bullets you have.
How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?
Must be more than 13, because my basement is still dark.
It's funny how Stephen Hawking sounds like Stephen walking or Stephen talking, but he can't do any of those things.
How do Chinese people play in Spy?
They can't.
How does Hellen Keller drive?
With one hand on the wheel and the other on the road.
How many Quebecers does it take to change a lightbulb?
4!
One to hold the bulb, two to turn the chair he's standing on, and one to sing "Alouette, gentille alouette!"
How did Reese eat her cereal? - Witherspoon!
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
How do you boil holy water?... You boil the hell out of it!
How is spinach like anal sex?
If you were forced to have it as a child, you probably won't like it as an adult.
How do you know a hippie is on her period?
Her socks are missing.
How do you know she's off?
Her socks are tye-dye.
How do you confuse a ginger?
Throw a cross at them.
How do u know Stephen Hawking is having a seizure?
He spills coffee on his iPad.
How did I know where you would go next?
Oh, I felt it in my bones!
How do you tell when a blonde just lost her virginity?
Her crayons are still wet.
How are a woman and a car alike? Put something in them and they'll both start.
How do you start an Ethiopian rave?
Stick toast to the ceiling.
How long does it take to blow up a baby in the microwave?
I don't know, I close my eyes when I masturbate...