You know how to get 10,000 followers? Run through Africa with a bottle of water.
How do you confuse Helen Keller? You rearrange the furniture and glue doorknobs to the walls.
Why do depressed people go to camp? To learn how to tie knots tighter.
How do you get more presents from Santa? You tickle his sack.
You know how 7 ate 9? Why was 10 scared? It's because he was in the middle of 9/11. 🤣
How do you verify a rape claim? You make it true, and then the person is a victim for sure.
I like my kids how I like my lights, Hanging from the ceiling.
How do skeletons have sex?
They bone each other.
How many babies does it take to paint a house? Depends on how hard you throw them.
This is how my mom always threatens me: "I brought you into this world, I can bring you out of it too." That's why I only have 2 siblings left.
I wonder where the bodies are?
Friend: I broke up with Sara.
Me: I know, she came over and I screwed her hard.
Friend: How did her pussy feel?
Me: After about 2 inches, it felt brand new.
Friend: What do you— HOLD UP. WHAT TF IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN!?!
How to know if your wife is dead? Well, the sex is still trash, but the dishes really start to pile up.
How many feminists does it take to fix a lightbulb?
None. Feminists can't change anything.
How did Stephen Hawking die?
He rolled too far away from the outlet on the wall.
How many babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Must be more than 9 cause my basement is still dark.
A woman decides to take a well-earned vacation, and she asks her brother to watch her cat while she's away.
On the second day, when she calls her brother to see how things are going, he tells her bluntly that the cat is dead.
The woman is really upset and goes into hysterics, before saying, "You can't tell a person bad news so bluntly. You should break the news gently. The first day, you should have said that Fluffy was stuck on the roof and couldn't get down. The second day, you could have said that she had fallen, but the vet said she would be okay. Then on the third day, you could have said that she died from complications."
The next day, the woman calls her brother again and asks how things are. He says, "Well, Grandma is stuck on the roof and can't get down..."
Time for a story: There are 500 bricks on a plane, one falls off. How many are left? 499.
What are the 3 steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator? Open fridge, put in elephant, close fridge.
What are the 4 steps to putting a giraffe in a fridge? Open fridge, take out elephant, put in giraffe, close fridge.
The lion king is having a birthday party. All the animals attend except one, who is it? Giraffe, he's stuck in the fridge.
Sally wants to cross an alligator infested river. There is no bridge and the only way she can get across is by swimming. She swims across safely, how? The alligators where at the birthday party.
Sally dies anyway. How? She got hit in the head by a flying brick.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
Depends how hard you throw them.
How long does it take for 5 babies to die in the microwave?
I don't know, I can't count while I masturbate...
Little Johnny and his teacher were telling each other jokes and riddles. His teacher asked, "Three birds were sitting on a wire, a hunter shot one. How many are left?" Little Johnny replied, "None, because the sound would scare the other two away." His teacher said, "No, but I like the way you think!"
Little Johnny replied, "Alright, now I have one for you. What goes in dry and hard and comes out soft and hard?" His teacher was shocked and said, "Little Johnny!" He replied, "It's gum! But I like the way you think!"
