How did Helen Keller’s parents punish her? They handed her a basketball and told her to “read this book”.
A family of three, a dad, a mom, and a 12 year old son are driving in the car when the dad says, “How about we play a little game of two truths and a lie? It’ll be fun.”
“Ok,” the mom and son reply happily.
“Let me start,” says the son.
“Ok, go ahead,” replies the mom.
“I hate video games, I hate school, and I love junk food,” says the son.
“Ooh ooh! You do love junk food, you do hate school, and you don’t hate video games.” Says the mom.
“You’re right!” He replies.
“I’ll go next,” says the dad. “I love your mom, you’re adopted, and my dad almost died in WWII.”
“Hmm... Your dad did not almost die in WWII, obviously I’m not adopted, and you do love my mom.” Says the son.
“The lie isn’t that you’re adopted,” says the dad.
A woman approached me in the street the other day with one of those charity collection buckets and asked me: Do you know how often people die from AIDS?
I said: Now I'm no expert, but I think it's only once.
My ex-boyfriend tried to scan himself at the supermarket checkout for fun.
“See how I can’t scan myself? It’s because I’m priceless.”
I decided I’d scan my wrist too, just for fun.
Found out I’m worth $3.97.
Q: How are Asians like a box of chocolates?
A: Either way they'll kill your dog.
You know how in Pinocchio the French puppets have the thigh rings?
Well, I got them too! Only red and thinner.
Me: "Comment if you love yourself and give me a reason."
Friends: comments give reason.
Me: "Notice how I commented nothing."
Day later:
Mom: Let me see your TikTok.
Me: Shows her the video.
Mom: calls suicide.
JK, she just beat me for posting a video on her.
My friend asked me why I know how to tie a noose.
I told them, "because I’m such a noose-ance."
How do you know when a woman is going to have a black baby?
When she takes the tampon out, all the cotton is picked.
The school shooter: "I finally found you worthless crybabies!!"
The Quiet Kid: "How are a bag of chips and a mac11 the same?"
The school shooter: "I don't know."
The Quiet kid: "When you pull them out everybody wants to be your friend."
Yo mama so stupid, she put a ruler under a pillow to see how long she slept.
A man walks into a library and asks to borrow a book on how to commit suicide.
The librarian says, “No, you won’t bring it back.”
How do you know you’re ugly?
If you always get handed the camera for group photos.
How do you get a depressed man out of the tree? You cut the rope.
How many children does it take to paint a wall?
Depends on how hard you throw.
How did Stephen Hawking die?
There was a power outage.
How did the necrophiliac get caught?
Some rotten cunt split on him....
How does Hellen Keller drive?
With one hand on the wheel and the other on the road.
Want to know how you make any salad into a caesar salad? Stab it twenty-three times.
How do you get an emo out of a tree? You cut the rope.
