My mom told me to take out the trash, but I couldn't find you.
Bleach solves so many problems: stains, dirty dishes, messes, and overpopulation.
When your mom comes in at night then sees your... Sleeping, but sees something moving so she gets a chair and wacks it then she says" I thought it was a mouse đ"
my mom said to take out the trash bags so i did and the next day my mom asked "where are your sisters?" i said "in line to get crushed"
Instead of walking through the door, the owner of the house broke in through the window. When he came out, a man standing on the sidewalk walked up to him and asked why he hadn't just walked through the door. The owner responded, "I'm pollo vegetarian, and I really just wanted a bit of food." When the man looked confused, the owner said; "Windows are nature's vending machine."
What sucks but doesn't suck?
Vacuums!
Old mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to get her poor dog a bone.
But when she bent over, Rover took over, and gave her a bone of his own
Brother: I can hear you using the vibrator every night, Iâm right here if you need help Sister: thatâs my fu__ing electric toothbrush Brother: oh, well the offer still stands.
How many babies does it take to replace a light bulb? I'm guessing more than 10 cause its still dark in my basement.
I could never forget my grandfathers last words. "Stop shaking the ladd-"
I saw some toilet paper rolls rolling in the wind. So I called âTOLIET PAPERS ROLLING INâ
Stephen only died because his wife tripped over the power cord
I like my women how I like my fridge.
In the kitchen.
What's the difference between your mom and your dad one leaves your life to go get milk and the other cleans up after you, feeds you, and does your laundry
Why can't orphans work at S.C Johnson? Cause it's a family company.
So my mom sent a text saying, "I'm gonna need help carrying groceries when I get back." That was 3 months ago.
Your family
What do you do when your dish washer stops working
Hit your wife harder
A boy walks in on his mother riding his father. "What are you doing?" the boy asks his mother. "I'm jumping on daddy to make him thin," said the mother. "Don't bother," said the boy, "when you go shopping, the lady next door comes and blows him up again."
Chuck Norris has a bear rug in his living room. It's not dead or anything, it's just too scared to nove
