House jokes

"Mommy, mommy, where's my school dress... ewww!"

"Shut up and leave the bedroom."

Kid: *runs down the street* HELP ME!

Officer: You OK, kid?

Me: Don't worry! He's my nephew, there was a big spider.

Officer: Oh, OK, ma'am. *walks off*

When officer leaves:

Me: *gets whip* What did I say about leaving the basement?

How do I fix a broken light bulb? I don't. I simply blow up the house.

What's black and sits on top of a staircase?

Stephen Hawking's after a house fire.

Are you a haunted house? Because I’m going to scream when I’m in you! 😫

What record did Obama prove during his presidency?

No matter how far a brotha gets in life, he'll still be in government housing.

Why are orphans so bad at poker?

They don’t know what a full house looks like.

So I was at a restaurant and I really hit it off with the waitress, so one thing led to another and I'm at her place and she was really nice at the IHOP but when I was there with her she was all like "ahhh! what are you doing!?!?!? how did you get in my house?!?!?" and then she punched me and I'm the one who ended up in prison.

An American and a Russian are talking. The American says, "We in America have the best democracy. We can stand in front of the White House and shout with impunity: \"The American President is a moron!\""

"We can do that too," says the Russian, walking with the American to the Kremlin and shouting: "The American President is a moron!"

Your mama so ugly, when Santa Claus came to her house and saw her, he said, "HO HO HOLY SHIT THAT'S ONE UGLY BITCH!"

So, some ants in a colony go to war. They want some more troops and know that there are ants that went to wars as well. They call them war-ants.

They start barging into homes to search for more war-ants. They barge into a home, and the lady-ant goes, "Hey, why are you here? Can you please leave?" One of the ants replies with, "I'm sorry, but unless you have a war-ant, we have to keep searching your house."

A black dude hits up a trap house for some crack and Hennessy, flashing his grill and boasting 'bout his gangsta life. The dealer snarls, "Pay up, fool. Or face the pipe!" He shrugs, "I'm broke, n***a." Suddenly, the dealer's ripped enforcer yanks him down, cuffs his hands with zip ties, shoves a vibrating dildo gag down his throat, slaps his ass red with a spiked paddle, then rams his throbbing monster cock into that tight hole, pounding savagely while choking him with a chain collar, flooding his guts with hot cum as he moans, "That's your high, bitch. Addicted yet?"

What did the orphan's friend give him for his birthday?

Lego, so he can build a home.

What's the difference between a baby and a mansion?

I've never seen the inside of a mansion.

In my house, good sex sounds like seals slapping each other.

Earth is full. Go home!

Why did the serial killer cross the road? To get to the victim's house.

Knock, knock. Who's there? The serial killer.

What do you call an orphan home alone?

A family reunion.

You: Find a time clock that can change time.

Your friend the next day: Hey, can I borrow yo' house?

You: No, I'm trying to figure out what to do with my TIME!

Also you: Changes the time back to 1267 so you don't have to have that friend again.

How does a penguin build its house?

Igloos it together!