House jokes
My wife said, "Why oh why have you ordered carpet, our house is lovely?"
Thankfully the carpet was put to good use in the end, no more stupid comments coming from a rolled up Emily in the bottom of the ocean!
What do you call an orphan home alone?
A family reunion.
What is a home that can fly?
A magic house!
Why are wives also called a housekeeper?
Because after the divorce, they keep the house.
How does a penguin (however you spell it) build a house? Igloos it together!
How many orphans does it take to screw a light bulb in there house?
None because they don't have a home.
If your house is cold, just stand in the corner. It's always 90 degrees there.
It was an important knockout game for Al Nassr. I came to Riyad to see my idol Cristiano Ronaldo play. It was my dream for a long time. I took a cab to the stadium, but the driver dropped me off at a haunted house instead.
As soon as I entered the house, I saw a ghost, but the very next moment I realized it's my idolo Ronaldo. Thank you Ronaldo for meeting me!
I was kissing my gal when the phone rang. I answered it, and it was a prank. I walked into the room when my girl had sex with me. Then we cummed the house full XD
PS free sex at my name
My dad told me a story today. His mom, my grandma, said if a bird gets in your house, someone will die.
That day, a hummingbird got in his UPS truck, and that’s the day he found out that my grandma had cancer. 😭😭😭😭😭 6 weeks later, she died. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
"I heard a noise in the basement! I'm gonna go to my friend's house and play Minecraft with him until the noise I heard goes away."
"I heard a noise in the basement. I'm gonna go down there with a bazooka and thirty thousand rounds of pistol ammo and fifty thousand pistols."
Said no horror movie character ever.
And also GTA logic.
What's the difference between a baby and a mansion?
I've never seen the inside of a mansion.
How can toilet paper decorate your house?
Shit sticks everywhere.
Why did Jordan cross the road? So he could get to his house.
Why did the octopus cross the road?
To get to the douchebag's house.
Knock knock.
(It's the octopus.)
My girlfriend's dog died, so I got her a new one in replacement, and she went off on me and yelled,
"What am I supposed to do with 2 dead dogs in my house?!"
Stephen Hawking was in a house fire. When he got out, people called him "Hot Wheels."
POV: You're an orphan.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Not your mom.
I was in a haunted house today. Nothing scared me until I reached the last room, where I saw the scariest Halloween ghost I've ever seen. He took my pens and ghosted. I was told that I saw Pristiano Penaldo and I was lucky enough to see him because he performs once in a blue moon.
Q: How do you know it's time for bed at the Neverland Ranch? A: When the big hand touches the little hand.