Home jokes
What do orphans and TVs have in common?
At least one of them has a home.
Even if you do burn down an orphanage, it's not gonna matter. It's not like they have homes.
A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a shop and buys a handgun.
The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The hysterical blonde tells her husband: "Shut up... you're next!"
In Home Alone, if the kid was an orphan, it would just be called "Alone."
What do you call an orphan?
Homeless.
Why can’t orphans play baseball?
Because they don’t know where home is.
What do you call a kid with no home?
A homeless kid.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.”
I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door, and it’s working fine!
How do parents punish a blind kid? They rearrange the furniture.
Your family.
My mom always said garlic powder makes everything better, so I sprinkled some on my divorce papers and my wife's broken leg.
A teacher was teaching her second-grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her students to ask their parents what the government is. When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and asked him what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered, “Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the workforce, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.”
“I still don't get it,” responded Little Johnny. “Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,” said the dad. “Okay then...good night,” said Little Johnny and went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole, he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, "OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the workforce, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of s**t!"
Your mama so fat that when she sits around the house, she literally sits around the house.
I dated a lot of girls before I married my wife. I was living with one of them when I arrived home one day to find her bags packed and next to the door. I asked her, "Baby, what's going on?" She said, "I'm leaving you."
"But why?" I replied.
"Because you're a pedophile!" she answered.
"That's a pretty big word for a six-year-old," I said.
Why is an orphan's favorite movie Spider-Man: No Way Home?
When meeting her parents doesn't require you to leave the house.
Me calling the orphan kid from school: "Hello, are your parents home?"
The orphan kid: *starts sobbing* "STOP CALLING HERE!"
I was asked to design a website for an orphanage, so I decided to design it without the home page.
I'm treated like God when I'm home, I'm usually ignored until someone wants something.
A teenage girl got a summer job dogsitting for a gigantic English Mastiff. She spent hours with the dog, and walked a little funny when she got home.
"What are you doing all day?"
"Knot a lot."