I was excited my teacher asked me for sex in exchange for a good grade, but then I realized I was homeschooled.
What does Johnny Depp do when his kids are not home?
Cocaine.
Have you ever walked into Stephen Hawking's house? No, he hasn't either.
So, a kid walks in the house and says, "Mommy, Mommy, I found daddy!" And the mother says, "Stop digging around in the garden, and let your father rest in peace."
Wacko Jacko bleached his skin, lit his head on fire, slept in a chamber, abused his pet monkey, built an amusement park in his own backyard, had toys as decor for his home, slept with little boys, raped little boys. Jacko was Florida Man before Florida Man.
Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree. Her mom responded, "Maria, they just wanted to see your panties!" Maria replied, "See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!"
What's the difference between apples and orphans? Apples actually get picked.
I made a website for orphans, but sadly it didn't have a home page.
Me having a good day. Going on a walk on a peaceful day.
My depression: hey, what's up!
Me: go away.
My depression: well how rude.
Me: π.
My depression: remember that one time......
Me: no, don't even.
My depression: that we.....
Me: nope.
My depression: *says really fast*: said that one stupid joke that wasn't funny and everybody just stared at you, and then you spilled water all over yourself and it looked like you peed yourself. And you went home and cried yourself to sleep just like you do every single night.
Me: π³πΆπ.
My depression: π don't worry I'll always be here for you.
Little Jonny walks in on his parents having sex. He asks what they're doing and the father says: "Well...we're making you a brother." So little Jonny runs off to let his parents finish, happy that he's going to have a brother soon.
The next day when little Jonny's father comes home, Jonny is crying out on the driveway. The father sits down next to Jonny and asks what's wrong. Jonny cries: "I won't have a baby brother!" His father is confused. "What do you mean?" he asks. "Because the mailman came by today and ate him!"
Your forehead is so big it gets home before you do.
I wish my dad was home. I havenβt seen him since the shot of 2008.
You're so poor, people break into your house and leave things.
Children are like a box of Christmas decorations. I keep them in my basement until itβs time to hang them from a tree.
The day after Chuck Norris was born, he drove his mom home from the hospital.
If Mexico is an unredeemable shithole, then how come the Republicans' favorite senator, Ted Cruz, ran to Mexico as fast as he could after a little bit of snow in his home?
What story does an orphan always get kicked out of? Home Depot.
What does Bill say to Hillary after sex? -- "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."
I refuse to believe my dad got fired as a road worker for theft. But when I came home, there were signs everywhere.
I had a terrifying experience last night. I was alone in the house having a bath... when all of a sudden... I felt a tap on my shoulder.
How do you know when Helen Keller is home?
Answer: When you hear somebody falling down the stairs!
