Home jokes

I was excited my teacher asked me for sex in exchange for a good grade, but then I realized I was homeschooled.

What does Johnny Depp do when his kids are not home?

Cocaine.

Have you ever walked into Stephen Hawking's house? No, he hasn't either.

So, a kid walks in the house and says, "Mommy, Mommy, I found daddy!" And the mother says, "Stop digging around in the garden, and let your father rest in peace."

Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree. Her mom responded, "Maria, they just wanted to see your panties!" Maria replied, "See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!"

What's the difference between apples and orphans? Apples actually get picked.

I made a website for orphans, but sadly it didn't have a home page.

Wacko Jacko bleached his skin, lit his head on fire, slept in a chamber, abused his pet monkey, built an amusement park in his own backyard, had toys as decor for his home, slept with little boys, raped little boys. Jacko was Florida Man before Florida Man.

Little Jonny walks in on his parents having sex. He asks what they're doing and the father says: "Well...we're making you a brother." So little Jonny runs off to let his parents finish, happy that he's going to have a brother soon.

The next day when little Jonny's father comes home, Jonny is crying out on the driveway. The father sits down next to Jonny and asks what's wrong. Jonny cries: "I won't have a baby brother!" His father is confused. "What do you mean?" he asks. "Because the mailman came by today and ate him!"

Your forehead is so big it gets home before you do.

I wish my dad was home. I haven’t seen him since the shot of 2008.

You're so poor, people break into your house and leave things.

Children are like a box of Christmas decorations. I keep them in my basement until it’s time to hang them from a tree.

I refuse to believe my dad got fired as a road worker for theft. But when I came home, there were signs everywhere.

A husband comes home from work one day, and his wife is watching the Food Network. The husband asks, "Why do you watch that? You still can’t cook," and the wife responds, "Why do you watch porn? You still can’t fuck."

If Mexico is an unredeemable shithole, then how come the Republicans' favorite senator, Ted Cruz, ran to Mexico as fast as he could after a little bit of snow in his home?

The day after Chuck Norris was born, he drove his mom home from the hospital.

What does Bill say to Hillary after sex? -- "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."

What story does an orphan always get kicked out of? Home Depot.

My mom always said garlic powder makes everything better, so I sprinkled some on my divorce papers and my wife's broken leg.

A guy is at home and he's about to go get a physical at the doctor's office. When he gets there, the doctor says, "Brian, you're going to have to stop masturbating." He asked the doc why? The doc said, "So I can examine you!"