Home jokes

Dark humor is like a home; not everyone gets it.

Quiet kid: "I'm home!"

Parents: "What did you learn at school today?"

Quiet kid: "I've learned that I've had enough!"

Why can't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is.

I told a kid his dad is a magician because he disappeared and never came back home.

A homeless man sits in front of a Home Depot. A man walking out of the store hands him some money and asks, "Why are you in front of the Home Depot?" And the man says, "Isn't it obvious? Hoping somebody accidentally drops the house they just bought."

Q: Why can't orphans be on a football team?

A: Because they won't know where to go on a home game.

A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father, “Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?” The dad replies, “Why do you want to know, son?” “Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!”

Little Jimmy asked his mom if he could take a bath with her since he was scared of being alone. She said, "Sure, just don't look up." He looked up and said, "Woah, what are those?" She replied, "Those are just headlights." He looked down and said, "What is that?" She said, "That's just a bush." The next day, mommy wasn't home, so he asked to take a shower with his papa instead. He said, "Okay, but don't look up." He looked up and said, "Woah, what is that?" His papa replied, "That's just a snake." Later that night, he asked to sleep with his parents. They said, "Okay, just don't look under the covers." After a while, he grew bored and went under the covers. Jimmy screamed, "Mom, turn on the headlights, the snake is in the bush!"

Rape can happen to anybody, so I think I will continue taking the short cut home through the dark alleyways, wearing barely anything and walk really close to bushes.

A little kid was lost, and he asked me to find his home. I love working at the orphanage.

This boy heard from a friend that if you tell an adult, "I know the whole truth," they will be all weird. So he went home and told his mom, "I know the whole truth," and she gave him $20 and said to keep quiet.

Pleased, when his dad got home, he said, "I know the whole truth," and his dad gave him $40 and said, "Don't tell Mom." Really pleased, he met the mailman the next day and said, "I know the whole truth." Then the mailman got down on his knee, opened his arms, and said, "Come to daddy."

Why did the orphan commit suicide?

So he could find home.

I walked in on my dad fucking my little brother. I don't know what was worse: the fact that he was fucking my brother, or the fact that the abortion clinic let my parents take the fetus home....

Why can't orphans play baseball?

They can't find home.

What do you call an emo kid's suicide live stream?

America's funniest home videos.

I can’t watch anime anymore when my friend’s grandpa is in the house.

He hasn’t heard a Japanese person scream since the war.

A woman's husband has a yearly conference. The first night he's away from home, their teenage son Tommy comes into their room at night and starts to make love to her, but she knows that it can be dangerous to wake a sleepwalker, so she doesn't say anything. He does this every night for two weeks and stops when his father comes home.

She realizes she's pregnant and has a baby boy.

The next year the same thing happens, she gets pregnant again, and has a baby girl.

The third year, she's feeling very guilty, and after thirteen nights of incredible passionate lovemaking she sits Tommy down and tells him, "Every time your father leaves town on business, you sleepwalk into my bedroom and make love to me. Bobby and Anna aren't just your brother and sister, you're their father!"

Tommy said "You think I was sleepwalking?"

So a guy named Nathaniel just came home, and when he enters his sister’s room, he sees her f***ing a piece of broccoli. And Nathaniel says, “Abbie, what’s wrong with you? I was going to eat that later, and now it smells like broccoli!”

I got the newest Call of Duty game! I got a 200 kill streak, then I went home and played COD.

I like my kids how I like my lights, Hanging from the ceiling.