Holy

Holy jokes

Farmer

    • A kindergarten teacher was telling a story...

    A kindergarten teacher was telling a story about a farmer walking around the farm talking to the animals. She was trying to get the kids to interact, speak up, and to use their imaginations.

    "Mister Farmer stopped at the cow, and the cow said 'Morning, Mister Farmer!'. Susie, what do you thing the farmer said next?"

    Susie says "He said 'Good morning Mrs. Cow!'"

    "Mister Farmer stopped at the pig next, and the pig said 'Good morning, Mister Farmer!'. Johnny, what do you thing the farmer said next?"

    Johnny says "He said 'Good morning Mr. Pig!'"

    "Mister Farmer stopped at the chicken, and the Chicken said 'Morning, Mister Farmer!'. Billy, what do you thing the farmer said next?"

    Billy says "The farmer said 'Holy shit, that chicken is fucking talking!'"

  • 1

    • Woman

    • If you look for something for 10 days and a woman walks in, opens a cabinet, and finds it:

    So, just hire a female pope for the Holy Grail that has been missing for 500 years so she just opens a cabinet and she finds it.

  • 0

    • Calculator

    • There was a woman named Sally. She loved to have sex with other people. One time, she had sex with me. I noticed her bra size was 69 (+69). That is fucking big!

    Ok, then when her partner was pissing, he told her she should call the doctor. So she dialed 2063512000 (+2000) and called the doctor. The office was on 51st street ave NE (+51). Holy shit, the doctor said! The boots were so big that she had to take 8 pills (x 8). The next morning, she was ________.

    69 + 51 + 2000 x 8 = 16120

    58008 (flip calculator)

    Boobless.

  • 6
    • Holy memes

    Mama

    • Yo mama is so short, Minions look down at her.

    Yo mama is so fat that she volunteered for the Hunger Games 'cause she thought it was an eating competition.

    Yo mama is so ugly when Santa Claus saw her, he yelled "Ho Ho Holy Sh*t!"

    Yo mama is so old, when she walked into an antique store, they didn't let her leave.

    Yo mama is so stupid, she sold her car for gas money.

  • 2

    • Water

    • What is another name 🤔 for Holy water 💧💧💧💧💧💧💧💧💧 💧💧💧💧💧💧💧💧 🚽 toilet water.

  • 2

    • Sex toy

    • You know it's so hard to clean my sex toys.

    Thank you, Jesus, for creating holy water!

  • 1

    • Nun

    • A bus full of nuns die in a car crash and end up at the pearly gates where Saint Peter greets them, "Hello sisters, welcome to heaven. Before you enter, I must ask you all a question." He asks the first nun, "Have you ever touched a penis?" Well, she said, "Just once, with the tip of my little finger." "Ok, dip it in the holy water and you can enter." He repeats the question to the second nun. Well, she says, "I might of held one once." "Ok," says St. Peter, "wash your hands in the holy water and you can enter." Just then, there's a commotion down the line. One nun is trying to push in front of another. St. Peter says, "Sister Susan, there is no rush, you will get in." "That's fine," she replies, "but if I have to gargle that stuff, I want to get in before Sister Mary sticks her arse in it."

  • 0

    • Yo mama

    • Holy shit there's so many yo mama jokes. Here's mine: Yo mama so skinny she used a cheerio as a hula hoop.

    Yo mama so fat that she made a plane unstable and crashed it into the Twin Towers.

    Yo mama so old that she has Jesus's autograph.

    Yo mama so ugly that not even makeup can save her.

    Yo mama so dumb that she thought Rocket League was a competition between kids in wheelchairs.

  • 5

    • Mama

    • Your mama so ugly, when Santa Claus came to her house and saw her, he said, "HO HO HOLY SHIT THAT'S ONE UGLY BITCH!"

  • 8

    • President

    • What happened when Obama ran for president?

    The whole US thought, "Holy hell, it's Osama bin Laden!" Thought he was dead.

  • 3

    • Priest

    • The first priest asks the second, "How long do we keep the babies in the holy water?" The priest replies, "No clue... I close my eyes when I masturbate!"

  • 0