Herself jokes

If a pregnant emo kills herself, is it murder-suicide?

If a pregnant emo kills herself, is that murder-suicide or just abortion?

My sister's boyfriend was coming around for Christmas Day. He had the option of two birds to tuck into: Turkey or Goose.

I said, "Are you not satisfied with my sister, who is literally handing herself on a plate to you?!"

Kelly Clarkson may be able to shed her weight [through pills], but she will never be able to shed the fact that she admitted herself that she molested her children when they were toddlers.

A blonde really got tired of all blonde jokes and decided to hang herself in the bathroom. As she locked the door, she yelled at her husband, "I'm hanging myself because I'm tired of jokes about us blondes being stupid!" Her husband broke into the bathroom and saw his wife with a rope tied on her toe. The husband said, "I thought you were hanging yourself." She said, "Yes, I am!" The husband replied, "Usually when people hang themselves, they tie the rope around their neck, so why is yours tied on your toe?" She said, "I tried that, but I couldn't breathe."

Yo mama is so clumsy, when she had her first kickboxing lesson, she kicked herself in the testicles.

There was a solar eclipse at school and we missed it, but it was alright. Your mum went to NASA and recreated it herself.

Yo mama so fat, when she took a picture of herself, her phone ran out of storage.

The Earth was flat until yo mama buried herself.

Yo momma is so fat, when she tried to hang herself, the noose broke.

A girl in the shop was getting bullied. She came to me saying, "I’m getting bullied." I told her, "Stand up for herself."

Your mama is so fat, she needs two phones to take a picture of herself.

A rich guy and a poor guy have their wedding anniversary on the same day. They meet each other at the shopping complex.

The poor guy asks the rich guy, "What'd you get for your wife today?"

The rich guy replies, "I got her a diamond ring and a Mercedes."

The poor guy asks, "Why did you get two gifts for her?"

The rich guy says, "If she doesn't like the diamond ring, then she can return it in her Mercedes."

The rich guy asks the poor guy, "What'd you get for your wife?"

The poor guy says, "I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo."

The rich guy asks, "Why did you get two gifts for her?"

The poor guy says, "If she doesn't like the slippers, then she can go f*** herself."

Yo mama so fat, when she talks to herself, it’s a long-distance call.

Joe mama so fat when she weighs herself, the weigh explodes.

How did the pornstar cut herself while using a drill?

She was too used to grabbing the tip.

A rich man and a poor man are talking about anniversaries. The rich man got his wife a Mercedes and a diamond ring. He says if the wife does not like the ring, she can take the Mercedes and leave.

The poor man said he got his wife slippers and a dildo. He says if his wife does not like the slippers, she can go and fuck herself.

Bully: I wouldn't bother wasting my time on a shit person like you.

Me: At least I have a brain unlike you.

Bully: Well at least I have a mom unlike you.

Me: Well your mom is so fat that she got stuck in her car and started bleeding Nutella?

Bully: How would you know that?

Me: Because she told me herself.

Bully: How exactly?

Me: She's on the phone right now.

Phone: *High pitched animal noises*

Me: Told you so!

If you drop an apple and an emo girl, who falls first?

The apple, because the emo girl hung herself.

Yo mama so fat that she's social distancing from herself.