Hereness Jokes

Phone rings; "Are your parents home?"

Orphan; "Stop calling here!"

One day a woman met with a man behind an abandoned shop.

The man asked for some crack.

The woman turned around and said, "Here."

That's where the crack was, you guessed it.

The next day, she wiped it clean, ready for the next guest who "wanted crack."

What did the marshmallow say when he was roasting in the fire? "Is it hot in here, or is it just me?"

I’m here to collect my bounty, what’s your bounty? Your pants.

Here's a tip for cow tipping from TheRussianBadger.

"So if you see Otis from Barnyard, make sure you blast his ass from a distance!"

Just something wholesome to help you recover from whatever you just saw.

The image is a six-panel cartoon depicting a couple sitting at a desk with a laptop. In the first panel, the woman is asking the man for help. The man then helps her. Then the woman asks him to come closer again. Finally, the man hugs her while she is using her laptop. The text bubbles say: "CAN YOU HELP ME WITH THIS?", "HERE... DONE!", "CAN YOU COME HERE AGAIN?" and "BUT THERE'S NOTHING WRONG."

I was trying to tell some people here to stop, but then I found out that the S was covered in blood from me assaulting someone.

When the guy came in with a gun to rob the store, I said: "Hey, can I borrow that?"

He says "yes." Me, over here, walking to the cashier and saying: "Goodbye!" He screams: "Have mercy!"

I say: "No, not to you, to me. Say goodbye." He says: "No, don't shoot yourself!" It was too late.

Best thing ever right here.

So, there is this app on your phone called ringer. Go into it. There is a 12-15 digit number. Enter that into my phone, my dick will get 12-15 inches longer.

All people on here, what's your least favorite hunting rifle? Mine's Sako-85.

My sister: See you at home in about an hour.

Me: Okay.

My sister: Sister, where are you? *She looks out the window.*

Me: Sis, I'm here, can't you see me?

Sister: OMG, she's dead!

Me: Yeah, I know, but can't you see me?

Ayo, the pizza here-

OH N*GGA!!

Teacher: Here, have candy.

Kid: No, I’m too fat.

Teacher: Shut up, or I’m gonna fail you.

*Next week*

Teacher: Okay kids, get off the floor and go back to your seats.

Kid: I’m too fat to get up.

Teacher: Don’t you remember what I said?

Kid: Yep, elephants don’t forget.

Hello.

Anyone does online dating and needs someone? HERE I am!

Hey, I haven't been on for like 2 months. I don't know who is still on here or like if everyone left, but yuh, I just decided to come back. Hey.

*insert a joke here*

What does iCloud eat for lunch?

Your documents.

Teacher: Ok kids, time to go home.

The orphan: What is home?

Teacher: Here, I have somewhere for you.

*puts in trash can*

What is going on here?

What did one canyon say to the other?

You stay here, I'm gonna rise up on ahead.

This ole boy that's locked up called his ole lady and got into it with her, and she said, "Well, fuck you, I don't need you no more anyway. I got 2 or 3 guys out here wanting me and trying to fuck me."

He said, "Well, honey, that's the least of my worries. I got 10 or 12 guys in here tryin' to fuck me."