Help jokes

How do you help a starving cannibal?

You give him a hand!

A blonde walks into the doctor's office. She tells the doctor, "My boyfriend has dandruff."

The doctor tells her to use Head and Shoulders. She leaves. About an hour later, the doctor's phone rings. He answers, it's the blonde. The doctor asks how he can help her. "Well doctor, I understand head, but how do you 'hove' shoulders?"

A woman has been raped by a man. She calls the police, and a policeman shows up.

Woman: "Please help, officer! I have been raped!"

Officer: "No problem, ma'am, I will just unrape you."

Woman: "What? Unrape me? How?"

Officer proceeds to bring back the rapist and forces the woman to rape the rapist back in order to cancel out the initial rape.

Little Brown Bear (LBB): Why did Santa take the kitty and all of my toys, Mummy?

His mom: Maybe because you're the second most massive shit stain besides Caillou.

*Krampus comes down the chimney to eat LBB*

Krampus: Should’ve been better, Little Bear.

LBB: Help, Mummy! He’s the Scratchy monster!

Shrek: Just kidding, it’s not Krampus, but indeed me and Black Donkey instead, and we’re going to poop on your floor.

Duggie: Hopefully Marvin doesn’t see us, and by the way, want some purplish Kool-Aid?

I joined ISIS to help my self-esteem issues.

Everyone kept telling me, "You’re the bomb!"

A boy is working on his English homework and asks his father for some help. "Dad, what's the difference between 'potential' and 'reality'?"

His dad replies, "I'll tell you what. Go ask your mother if she'd sleep with Robert Redford for a million bucks. Then go ask your sister if she'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million bucks. Once you have their answers, you'll know the difference."

So the boy goes to his mother and poses the question: "Would she sleep with Robert Redford for a million bucks?"

She answers, "Don't tell your Dad, but yes, I certainly would!"

The boy then goes to his sister and asks her his next question: "Would she sleep with Brad Pitt for a million bucks?"

"Oh definitely!" she answers, without a moment's thought.

The boy goes back to his father, an expression of understanding on his face.

"You're right, Dad, I know the difference now. Potentially, we're sitting on two million bucks. In reality, we're living with a couple of sluts."

So Santa fell down the chimney, but it was a lit chimney...his name's no longer Santa. It's Crisp Cringle. Pls send help :)

You know what’s traumatizing?

Your mom breastfeeding in front of you.

Help!

What could've the Towers done to not start 9/11?

Call 911.

What do you call an orphanage that's not an orphanage?

A homeless shelter.

A lawyer bought a beautiful yacht. He invited the law firm to come aboard for a great weekend.

Saturday night was the candle light dinner and Sam drank too much, walked on the deck and fell over the rail into the water and was calling for help. Tom said, "Oh no, the sharks will get him." All of the party lined along the rail and noticed the sharks were swimming around him in a circle. Jim said, "The sharks are not even bothering him!" And a shark lifted up his head out of the water and said, "Professional Courtesy."

I got pranked so many times. Once I saw two wheels rolling down the street. I heard this noise. I looked behind me. There's a legless man in a wheelless chair screaming, "HELP! I CAN'T GO ANYWHERE!" but I walked away. I knew it was a prank.

What’s a lung’s favorite type of exercise?

Breathing exercises.

I told this to my English teacher, and he said it to the class, and no one laughed. Someone help!

What did one nut say to the other nut? "Help!"

Friend (Evan): Did you do some dumb shit?

Me: Hell yeah.

Friend (Evan): Did you get us both in trouble?

Me: Hell yeah.

Friend (Evan): Will I still help you because you are my best friend?

Both: FUCK YEAH!

I called a Suicide Helpline, but they didn't help me commit suicide.

Tbh they really left me hanging there.

I fell in love with my computer because it helps me Excel.

When you have to fight an emo kid, but he brings his friends, so you gotta fight the Suicide Squad. But you gotta get the boys to help you.

Are you getting tired of life? Yes? Then call 180 go fuck yourself.

It's not our problem.com That's 180 go fuck yourself it's not our problem.com

How do I get out of the toilet seat? Help me, please. I'm very stuck!