Heard jokes

I’m about to tell you the funniest joke I heard:

Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls emergency services. The operator then hears the problem and says, “Well, let’s make sure he’s dead.” A shot is then heard. The other guy says, “Ok, now what?”

Did you laugh?

I heard an unusual word the other day: "Opaque."

Unfortunately, what it means is unclear.

So, every time I walk in the door, my kid shuts his laptop. So, I check his history. It was good, but my wife checked mine, and she didn't say the same. The words I heard were, "Get out!"

So my sister was eating Now&Laters, and I continuously heard smacking sounds. So I told her, "Can you stop smacking? It's annoying." Then she said, "I can't, it's a juicy type of candy." So I said, "I can stop the candies from making that sound." Then she said, "How?" So I smacked her. :)

Have you heard of the restaurant Karma?

There is no menu because you only get what you deserve.

So, I was at the gas station drinking a Slurpee when I heard an old lady start talking to me. She says, "Hey, can you check my balance?" so she could buy a chocolate bar.

So, I pushed her over and said, "Not much."

I work at a morgue and we wrap the bodies in bubble wrap.

I was working the night shift and just looking at the security cameras, but then I heard popping behind me!

Person 1: I heard oxygen and magnesium went on a date.

Person 2: OMg!

Why did the rapper bring a map to the recording studio?

Because he heard they were dropping TRACKS.

Bill Cosby on rape: "But, I heard, 'my body, my choice.'"

Have you ever heard of horchata? Horchata, fuck up!

My mom told me that my friend Paul is coming over, and he is going to sleep over, so I was happy.

The next day, I ask my mom, "Where's the dog?" My mom asks me, "What dog?"

Then I said to my mom, "I heard Paul say, 'Do you want it doggy?' and you said 'Yeah.'"

You heard of Spider-Man: No Way Home. Now get ready for:

Orphan: No Way Home.

Have you heard of the new book about anti-gravity?

Well, I just can't seem to put it down.

Funniest Roblox Names I've heard:

ButtNugget123

Lil_RAT (user is actually Sillyowlbunny200)

baddasscarrot44

EggnogRat44

Did you hear about the dyslexic couple who were struggling to have sex? They kept doing the 96 positions.

Two old people sitting on a bench. One turns to the other and says, "My butt fell asleep." The other says, "Yep, I heard it snore a couple of times."

It was the year 1912. I was in the SS Titanic, and I woke from a dream to think, "I've heard of wet dreams, but is that WATER?"

Yo mama so stupid that, when she heard about cookies on the internet, she ate her computer.

So Jesus has been nailed to the cross.

On the first day, he starts to moan, "Peter, Peter!"

Well, Peter hears Jesus moaning and feels it is important, so begins to go up the hill. On his way, he is met by some Roman soldiers and they proceed to beat his ass back down the hill.

On the second day, Peter hears Jesus moaning again, "Peter, Peter!"

Peter thinks to himself, this is important. He heads up the hill, fights past the first line, but gets a beatdown by the second group and back down the hill he goes.

On the third day, Peter is woken up by Jesus sounding very weak, but calling out, "Peter, Peter!"

Peter feels that whatever it is that Jesus needs him for must be very important. Peter heads up the hill, he is on a mission. He manages to fight his way thru three sets of Roman guards and make his way to the cross Jesus has been nailed to for three days. He looks up to Jesus and says, "Jesus, I have heard your calls, what is so important?"

Jesus- "Peter, I can see your house from here!"