Heard jokes

So, every time I walk in the door, my kid shuts his laptop. So, I check his history. It was good, but my wife checked mine, and she didn't say the same. The words I heard were, "Get out!"

Sister: Hey sis, how are you today?

Me: Oh, good, you?

Sister: Good, 'cause I heard you finally got a good living life.

Do you know Warrior Cats?

I heard Hawkfrost is cold.

Have you heard about the animal that was made of a human hand?

It's an ARMadillo.

Heard the Helen Keller single?

It’s called ERRRRRAGHHH!!!

Ever heard of the game T.T.2: 9/11? That game was bomb.

Have you heard about the Pokemon called "rhy rhy rhyde" on deez nuts?

Have you heard the new pickup line in a gay bar?

Can I push your stool in for ya?

One day I was on my phone, then I got a text message from my girlfriend, "Hey, sexy boy, wanna hang out tonight if you know what I mean...?" Then I just stopped and froze. I read the message. I said, "Yeah, sure..." She replied really fast, "There's going to be a few people there, ok." But I didn't read the next message... She said, "Come right at 12:00 AM." But I didn't read it. I walked into her house, but I heard a strange noise like a moaning noise, and it sounded like HER!! So I hid behind the couch, and I looked through the open door and saw something I didn't want to see... Like for part 2 and comment if you want me to make another!!

Why were her hands purple?

She heard it through the grapevine.

Have you heard the 9/11 joke yet?... It was pretty fire.

Have you heard of Wendy's?

Yea, Wendy's nuts in you mouth.

Why do orphans have no sense of humor?

I guess they've never heard a dad joke.

Dad: I heard an actor killed themselves with a knife. It was Reese something.

Mom: Witherspoon.

Dad: No, with a knife, you dummy!

"Hey, I heard you were a bit down—where's John?"

"He died."

"Oh, I'm so sorry, but I got you food."

(After they eat) "Hey, how did John taste seasoned and cooked?"

I got these two people in my class we call them Twin Towers, so when I heard about it I threw a paper airplane at them.

Yo yo Zac, have you Amber HEARD about the Johnny Depp case? ARRRRRRRRRRR!

Have you heard about kids with AIDS?

It never gets old.

Bf: Babe, do you love me?

Gf: Of course, why do you ask?

Bf: I heard that your mom passed away, and I went to pick some roses for you to try to cheer you up, and then I remembered why I went to the garden.

Why did the rapper carry an UMBRELLA?

Because he heard there was a 50% chance of "Lil Wayne."