Have jokes

What did Ronnie have at Taco Bell?

A mind-blowing bean burrito.

What's the difference between you and me?

I have a plan for this new year.

So long, suckers. Keep scrolling.

My wife's always nagging me. "You don't let me have any friends, I abuse her, and I'm always coming back late." So I thought I would treat her. I popped up in the attic and introduced her to two women.

My wife said, "Why oh why have you ordered carpet, our house is lovely?"

Thankfully the carpet was put to good use in the end, no more stupid comments coming from a rolled up Emily in the bottom of the ocean!

My girlfriend said to me, "Dear, I think you have hit an animal, there's blood and dents all over the bonnet."

I said, "No, love, I'm not waiting for a Black Lives Matter rally."

My wife saw me hit the best drive yesterday with my golf clubs.

I must have drove that chihuahua 300 yards.

I asked my nan if she wouldn't mind shitting in a bucket when we went camping. She replied, "Why the fuck would I want to sit in a bucket?" So eventually she did, and I took the best shit I have ever had!

Ha, orphans are soooooo funny. I mean, they have many family stories. Oh wait...

What does a priest and a male homosexual have in common?

They both like to suck a big cock inside the men's locker room at the gym.

A handicapped person and an orphan get into a fight. The orphan says, "At least I have two functional legs." The handicapped person says, "At least I have two functional parents."

Q: Why don’t orphans have a personality?

A: They don’t have a person in reality!

What do an X-Box and Michael Jackson have in common? They're both made of plastic and little kids turn them on.

Say this to someone who is fat that you don't like (make sure he's a virgin):

"You're so fat you can sell shaaade!! That's why you're a virgin and you masturbaaate!!! Yeah, I've see you, touching your 1 centimetre and if you have a gf she's is a cheater!!"

Make sure to say "shaaade" not "shade". And say "maturbaaate" (also try to say a D not a T in maturbaaate) not "masturbate".

Why can't orphans have sex?

Because they have no one to call "daddy."😳

Why are orphans lonely?

Because they don't have parents to talk to.

"You have to do this," and my sister said, "Well, I don't care."

And I said, "Well, you care enough to respond back, oh my gosh!"

One would think Dracula would have a lot of friends. Unfortunately, no one likes him. He is a pain in the neck.

What am I if my neck is covered in red bumps, my ears are the size of a giant corn cob, my skin is ruby red, my eyes are bloodshot, I have green skin, and fur growing all over my body? Horribly ugly.

How can you make a woman scream your name when you have sex with her?

Change your name to "Rape."

Somebody shouts "Fire!"

Man 1: Get the children out!

Man 2: F*** the children!

Man 3: We don't have time!