My wife cheated on me with my brother.
She didn't have a sister, so I improvised, and now all I have to do is wait nine months for one to come.
Figure: Who wants to play hide and seek?
Seek and Hide: Me.
Figure: Okay, hide and I will hide and Seek will be it.
Seek: Why do I have to be it?
Figure: Because your name says so.
🎆 New Year's Eve
Lil Johnny👦: "Every year the same, people always have to start banging before midnight!"
Mom👱🏻♀️: "Johnny, would you please leave the bedroom now?"
Dad👨🏻🦰: "Son, if you don't leave, it'll bang on your head!"
My love for you is like poop.
Whenever I feel you, I have to run to the toilet and flush you away
A young boy was picked up by a strange young man who put him in his car and drove into an abandoned farm.
"This place looks scary," the kid said.
And the man replies, "I know right, I have to walk out of there alone."
I have to say my humor isn't the best, but I'll give this a go.
My science teacher always reminded us about kilometers per second. Now I want to kilometer per second.
You know those credit card inserters at Walgreens? I want to insert my credit card on my wrist.
I'll shut up now.
Your forehead is so big you have to wear a hoodie for the Rock to see your ego because your forehead is so big.
How can you tell if a man is straight? You don't have to, he will tell you.
Roses are red violets are blue I see you I see you you would have to work out
Daughter: Hey Dad, can I use your car? Dad: Sure, but first you have to give me a blow job" Daughter: Okay, (proceeds to service dad), Dad, Ewww, your dick tastes like shite!" Dad: Oh that's right, I lent your brother the car
You go h dichotomy lol what do you want to what what’s the name for the address for sure what’s what I name it says I name it lol I don’t o I have to get r CB n nu set set e Okay okay I’ll be at my place.
I'm sorry, orphans, that you're getting bullied. Oh, I have to go, my MOM's calling me. We're going on a road trip to go to a FAMILY reunion!
Mum: If your friend jumped off a cliff, would you?
Me: Oh yeah, no doubt my friend wouldn't even have to jump first.
Why'd the emo have no friends?
"Because they like to hang by themself."
I'm bored so can y'all ask me some questions and I have to answer them?
The only thing flat earthers have to fear...
... is a sphere itself.
Just buy emo grass, then you will never have to mow your lawn again.
My late grandpa was always popular with women. One day, before he died, I asked him what his secret was. He said, "I inherited a watering hole."
Bewildered, I replied, "What does that have to do with anything?"
"I could easily get anyone wet because I was well endowed."
My friends were worried that I was making suicide jokes so much, so I said, "Don't worry, you won't have to hear them much longer."
Can anyone answer this riddle? Apparently this is the world's hardest riddle! Good luck 😝
“I turn polar bears white, and I will make you cry. I make guys have to pee, and girls comb their hair. I make celebrities look stupid, and normal people look like celebrities.”
