My friends were worried that I was making suicide jokes so much, so I said, "Don't worry, you won't have to hear them much longer."
Can anyone answer this riddle? Apparently this is the world's hardest riddle! Good luck 😝
“I turn polar bears white, and I will make you cry. I make guys have to pee, and girls comb their hair. I make celebrities look stupid, and normal people look like celebrities.”
What did Steven harkens have to eat His shoulders
Why is it hard to break up with a Japanese girl?
Because you have to drop the bomb twice for her to get it.
A man is talking to his doctor after undergoing a whole range of tests to try and find out what’s wrong with him.
The doctor sits him down and says, “I’m so sorry to have to tell you this, but the results are back, and I’m afraid it’s fatal.”
“Oh no!” exclaims the man, “How long do I have?”
“Ten,” says the doctor.
“What, years? Months?!”
“Nine...”
The orphan turned 18, but he was happy because he didn't have to pay rent to his parents.
Why do more men than women support abortion? So they can keep raping women and the victims will just abort their kids to not have to relive the experience!
How do lesbians have sex? It’s too complicated. I’d have to show you.
I live in China and we have no food. We have to eat Chinese food, so I called my dog over.
You also have to learn to say no. For example: "Would you like a piece of cake?" "No, I'd like two."
I have to take out the trash, but I couldn't find you.
I intern at an orphanage that burned down this weekend with 30 kids inside.
Thankfully, I don’t have to call and tell their parents.
This is why orphans are dangerous with cardboard. They either start eating it or making it into a house and hallucinating that they have a family.
So I threw out the cardboard and said, "You have to stay in reality. Fantasies aren't real. You can't and will never get a home."
Next day, they make cardboard parents, so I threw that away and said, "Pay attention to reality; you will never get parents."
Next day, they start acting like parents and tell me what to do. Again, I said, "Snap to reality. You will never be a parent!" The orphan responded with, "Oh, really?! How so?" I just simply said, "You don't have a house and parents. You literally like eating cardboard, and then you make parents out of it. You like to eat old people!"
You have to be a good mom to be a MILF.
My two moods are “I can’t believe I get to be a person” and “I can’t believe I have to be a person.”
The double slit experiment shows light particles are a wave that assemble in your presence. And you didn't even have to say a word!
I was in a motivational seminar about depression the other day, and she said I could be anything I wanted to be if I put my mind to it. Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and do it, even if it's messy.
A man walks into a bar and says, "I'm feeling depressed. What do you have to cheer me up?"
The bartender replied: "A shotgun."
The IRS hates when you don't have to pay your taxes with this one mind-blowing trick.
I hope you have to dip your Oreo’s in water because your dad never came back with the milk
