Grandma Jokes

"UR Grandma" You think you're funny? Well, sorry. But ur not.

Please Fokes you can hit the thumbs up button on the ones you like. There is no need to repost..

*Anyways*

Knock knock Who's there? Can I come in? Can I come in who? Can I Come In You!?

More often than not, I will cry when I masturbate.. Some nights I'm a real tear jerker! But on the nights and I smoke a lil pot and then masturbate, my dad ends up bugging me because I am a weed wacker.

How do you keep a dog from humping your leg? Pick him up and suck his dick.

How does Popeye keep his manly part from rusting? He sticks it in Olive Oil.

Snow White and the seven dwarfs are in the the tub feeling "HAPPY". Happy got out now they are fucking "GRUMPY"

What's worse than waking up and finding a "Penis" drawn on your forehead? Finding out it was "Traced"

If I had a rooster and you had a donkey and your donkey ate my rooster what would you have? 3 feet of my cock up your ass

Did you know Batman was actually Black? Yeah he couldn't go a night with out Robyn!

Did you hear Gods Word Of The Day? Its Legs! Now lets go out and spread them.

What do you call a Mexican woman with no legs? Cunt-sway-low

Whats worse than sucking 25 oysters out of your Grandmas Pussy? Realizing you only put in 15

So little Johnny was waking to the bath room and he said grandma said why is the blood coming out of your ###😥 I need to call help

LITTLE JOHNNY WAS AT HOME AND THEN HE WENT TO HIS GRANDMA'S HOUSEHE WENT THERE TO CUSS SO HE WOULDN'T GET IN TROUBLE. AND SECRETLY GRANDMA CALLED HIS MOMMA TO COME PICK HIM UP. MOMMA ASK WHAT LITTLE JOHNNY DID AND SHE SAID HE CUSSED AND CUSSED AND CUSSED. GRANNY HAD ENOUGH AND CALLED MOM AGAIN MOMMA SAID LITTLE JOHNNY WAS GROUNDED FOR 2 WEEKS AND LITTLE JOHNNY CUSSED SOME MORE NOW HE GROUNDED FOR 3 WEEKS

Little Johnny was staying at his grandparents house and he asked his grampa can I a cigarette and his grampa said well can your dick touch your asshole he said no. Then that's your answer. A little bit later little Johnny asked for a beer his grampa said well can you dick touch your asshole he said a I already said no. Well that your. Later he was complaining to his grandma and she him cookies. His grandpa came up to him and said can I have a cookie little Johnny said well can your dick touch your asshole his grampa said well yes it can and little Johnny said well go fuck yourself old man because these are my cookies.

kids- its time for dora kids-YAY nick jr host- today Dora is going on a big adventure with Grandma Swiper- hello kids i am trying to find my way to Diego's will you please help me Kids- where's dora Swiper- she's under cardiac arrest kids - poor dora Everybody- SWIPER NO SWIPING Swiper - AH MAN!!

One day little johnny went to his grandma's house and she asks "do you like nuts" and little johnny says "yes i like nuts" and his grandma says "okay then grab them out of the cabinet" so little johnny went and grabbed them and he was sad after he grabbed them his grandma then says "whats wrong?" little johnny says "i thought they were real nuts." and his grandma fainted.

My teacher asked everyone how tall their grandparents were, I responded "My grandpa is 5ft 10, and my grandma is -6ft."

Little Johnny was in kindergarten and his teacher said, "okay everyone, Tomorrow you must come to school and recite the first three letters of the alphabet". Johnny didn't know the alphabet so he decided to ask his family. He walked in the kitchen to find his mom on the phone. He says, "Mamma, what's the first letter of the alphabet?" His mom doesn't notice him standing there and says, "If you don't shut the fuck up right now-" So he goes to find his brother watching TV and he says, "Tommy what's the Second letter of the alphabet?" His brother doesn't notice him and says, "I'm Batman". So He went to his Grandma who was knitting and says, "Grandma what's the third letter of the Alphabet?" The grandma then realizes she left her biscuits in the oven for too long and says, "My biscuits are burning! My Biscuits are burning!" Satisfied with the answers given to him he thinks it over and goes to school the next morning. When his teacher come to Johnny she says, "Johnny what are the first three letters of the alphabet?" "If you don't shut the fuck up right now" - Johnny "Who do you think you are young man to talk to someone like me that way?" - teacher "I'm Batman" - Johnny The teacher whups his ass and little johnny says, "My biscuits are burning! My Biscuits are burning!"

Later that day he understands what happened and can't tell which was worse that he accidentally cussed to his teacher or that his family was ignoring him.

Grandma: Young people your age are married by now, why aren’t you?

Me: Old people your age are dead right now, why aren’t you?

Have any of you guys heard the classic airplane jokes? here's a good example...

A farmer, a doctor, and a terrorist are on a plane. An engine fails, and they are going to crash, so the pilot asks everyone to throw out some items. The farmer threw out his apple harvest, the doctor threw out medical supplies, and the terrorist, (not needing a bomb apperently) through out his briefcase of bombs. They still crashed, and they started walking to the nearest town. They passed a boy who was running. "why are you running?" "My dad got hit by a shiny red object and now he's bleeding!" They three of them decide it's best to keep quiet, and continue. They then passed a crying girl, who said that her brother had been killed by a scalpel from heaven. They said nothing and continued. Finally, they see a boy laughing so much he is in tears. They ask him, "What's so funny?" "Grandma farted and the house blew up!"

Please read all of it I know it's long please read all of it.

This dad heard his daughter praying as she was praying she came to an end: " Goodnight grandma, goodbye grandpa, goodnight daddy, goodnight mommy. The dad didn't think about the grandpa part and headed to bed. The next morning the mom and dad heard that the grandpa died the dad thought it was just coincidence so he carried on his day. At night he heard his daughter again: "Goodbye grandma, goodnight daddy, goodnight mommy. After he heard goodbye grandma his facial expression changed and went straight to bed. The next morning the grandma died out of nowhere the dad began to worry and continued on his day, at night he heard his daughter again " Goodbye daddy, goodnight mommy. The dad got scared so he had a plan to go to work and stay hidden there so that's what he did. When he got home the next day his wife asked where he had been and he replied back " Sorry honey I had a horrible day today." She replied back saying: " OH YOU THINK YOU HAD A BAD THE MAILMAN JUST DIED ON THE FRONTPORCH THIS MORNING" If you get it you get it.

I remember when I was at a funeral at the age of 6. I was with my grandma and asked, "Grandma, Grandma. Why is that man in a box?" and she says, "He's in a better place now." I look at her confused and ask, "WHAT KIND OF BOX DID HE LIVE IN BEFORE?! HOW IS THIS BOX BETTER THAN THE LAST ONE?! IT'S JUST A BOX!" And to this day I am still not allowed to go to funerals.

my mom told me to unplug all the electronics so i unplugged my grandma Life Support

My grandma always told my dad if a bird ever got in your house/truck someone would die later that exact day she found out she had cancer.11 months later my grandpa died of a stroke I hope to see them in heaven I’d like to meet them pls comment good things I really really love them even though I didn’t get to meet them😭😭😭

A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of child birth to the father. He asks if it is ok to use the new device. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.

By the way my Grandma told me this one

My dad told me a story today his mom my grandma said if a bird gets in ur house someone will die . That day a humming bird got in his U.P.S truck and that’s the day he found out that my grandma had cancer 😭😭😭😭😭 6 weeks later she died .😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

My Grandma as any other she got a APPLE IPHONE 12 but a we all know we get dumb and so we buy a phone my grandma did not even know how to use it she even said How do i go on google i told her YOU CANT!My grandma was yeah right how do i do it. Comment down below does you grandma do this?

This is NOT my joke i found it on google its a texting joke Mom:Son youre grandma just passed away LOL Son:mom what do you mean LOL that means laughing out loud Mom:oh no i thought that meant lots of love i have to text everyone back!!!!

so i walked up to my grandma and i said what color would u be on a rainbow cupcake she just turned 61 ok ok so im like 'i got i got ok ok' she like: ok what color" i say:"grey"