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What do women, tornadoes, and hurricanes have in common? They all get the house.
A man and a boy are walking into a forest. It begins to get dark. The boy says "Mister, I'm scared." The man replies "How do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone."
Why did Steven Hawking die?
He lost Wi-Fi connection and didn't get the data plan.
1. You're so dumb, you think Cheerios are donut seeds!
2. You're so fat, you could sell shade!
3. You're just like coconut water, nobody likes you!
4. Have you been shopping lately? Because they're selling lives around the corner, you should go get one!
If being ugly was a crime, you would get a life sentence!!
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Little Johnny was walking down an alley and saw a lamp. After he rubbed it, a genie came out and said, "You have 10 seconds to have one wish." Little Johnny says he wants to pee alcohol. The genie grants his wish. He tells his family, and his sister doesn't believe it. After having a drink, she says, "We should have this every night!" Little Johnny gets two cups every night, one for him and his sister. He does the same thing for four nights. Eventually, he ran out of cups and has one left. He gives it to himself, and his sister asks, "Where's my cup?" Little Johnny replied, "You're drinking out of the bottle tonight."
Memes
Why don't parents get school shooting jokes? They're aimed at a younger audience.
What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?
The apple gets picked.
Friend: Wanna hear a joke?
Other Friend: Sure.
Friend: Pussy.
Other Friend: I don't get it.
Friend: And you never will.
How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up like an altar boy.
I hate when my class want to play hangman. Not because they hang a man, but because I get jealous.
Why did Michael Jackson love melted chocolate? Because he could pour it on his cock, then get a prepubescent boy to suck it off.
Me: Can I get your mom's number?
Friend: Here you go:
Me: Ohh, strange, I already had it.
A man was walking with a young boy in the woods.
The boy looks at the man and says, "Mister, it's too dark and I'm getting scared."
The man replies with, "How do you think I feel? I have to come back alone!"
How do you make an orphan's hands bleed? Tell them to clap til' their parents get home.
One day, little Johnny woke up to get a drink of water. He passed by his parents' bedroom and noticed sheets bouncing. He asked his dad what he was doing. He said, "Playing cards." Little Johnny said, "Who is your partner?" Dad said, "Your mom." On his way up, he passed by his sister's room and noticed sheets bouncing around and asked what she’s doing. She said, "Playing cards with my boyfriend, Paul." The next day, Dad came to ask Johnny a question. The father noticed Johnny was still in bed and asked him what he was doing. He saw the sheet bouncing and asked Johnny what he was doing. He said, "Playing cards." His dad asked him who his partner was. Little Johnny said, "You don’t need a partner if you have a good hand."
What's worse than getting raped in a cemetery? Finding someone else's semen in your mom's corpse.
What’s the difference between a prostitute and a hockey player?
A hockey player gets to shower after three periods.
What do you get when you cross a German and a Mexican? A “BeanerSchnitzel”!
When do you know you are getting a good deal on a boat? -- When there's a sail on it.
A brunette fought and didn't get raped.
A blonde thought and did get raped.