What's the same with shoes and slaves?
When they get loose, you tie them up.
What did the planes say when they were smashing or passing the Twin Towers?
Smash.
(Get it?) 9/11.
A guy went to a bar and said to a friend that he found a girl on the railroads and said they had the best sex ever.
His friend asked, "Did you get any head?"
The guy said, "No, I couldn't find it."
Sometimes I get jealous when I see a gravestone.
Why are Indians so good at football?
Each time they get a corner, they open a shop.
My wife told me she’ll slam my head into the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer.
I’m not too worried—I think she’s jokingdkdkslalkdlkfjslfjslksdlkfjuahehwhgwdklaljdf.
My ex-boyfriend threatened to kill me because I was suicidal.
I wanted to tell him, "Well, can we get what we both want?" I was already planning on dying anyway.
What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD?
A trip without kids.
Why did the orphan get kicked off the baseball team?
He would never make it home base.
The cemetery is so crowded, people are just dying to get in.
Me: Good night, everyone.
My friends and family: Night.
Me: *gets in coffin*
My family: *stares at my friends* You aren't going to do something?!?
My friends: *to my family* Nope, this is normal.
Why did the plane cross the road? To get to the other tower.
What does Michael Jackson get high on? A little crack.
what do you get when you cross parents, the san fran bridge and a moody asian teen?
Niagra falls
Why do orphans get to watch rated R movies? Because their parents can't stop them.
I was in a school shooting a few years ago, 3 people died.
I guess that’s what you get when you’re bad at hide and seek.
What do you call a disabled person who gets high?
Baked potato.
I heard a neat little trick you can use to have a public pool all to yourself. If you blow a whistle 3 times, everyone will just get out!
The Good Old Days.
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
Mom: I'm getting you a dog!
Me: OMG REALLY?!
Mom: Yeah, what gender do you want?
Me:...
Me: Bitch, please.
