Get jokes

What do bees do when they get married?

They go on a honeymoon.

I had sex with my boss's daughter.

I didn't get fired. I'm self-employed.

Slavery and discipline, it's kind of the same thing. You get whipped for doing the wrong thing.

How do you get 500 dead babies into a car?

A blender.

How do you get 500 dead babies out of a car?

A straw.

Why do nuns walk in groups?

So one “nun” can keep an eye on the other “nun” just to make sure that she isn’t getting "nun".

What is easier to pick up the heavier it gets?

Women.

How do you get 1 million followers?

You run through Africa with a bottle of water.

How do you get an emo out of a tree?

Just cut the rope.

You know what flowers and depressed people have in common?

Both end up getting cut.

Have you heard about the baby with cancer? It never gets old.

Why did the orphan cross the road?

To finally get his milk.

What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians? One hundred people who don't do dick.

Are you electricity? 'Cause I wanna get a bath with you ;)

What time is it when you walk into a wall? Time to get to bed!

Sketchy dude: If you push this button you get 100 million dollars but 100 million people would die.

Me: If I push it more than once do I get more money?

Sketchy dude: Yes, but more people die.

Me: *rapidly pushes button* This is how you solve world hunger.

Sketchy dude: ... wtf, you're insane.

Me: ...

The police department made a new machine that will teleport you back to prison if you commit a crime. The police release 4 criminals: a hacker, a rapist, a serial killer, and a drug lord. The hacker tries to hack a bank. The hacker gets teleported back to prison. The drug lord tries to cook meth. The drug lord gets teleported back to prison. Now the serial killer decides that she wants to change, but when she sees a knife she just can’t help it. She bends down to pick up the knife and the rapist gets teleported back to prison.

Q: What's the difference between an egg and me?

A: An egg gets laid.

Why did Susie get cut from the soccer team? She has no legs!

Who broke into my house by kicking down my door? Not Susie... But she still is in my basement, since she can't run!

What's the worst part about hearing a special needs kid getting hit by a car?

Having to listen to the wheelchair scraping for a mile and a half.

My life is a lot like a game of Black Jack.

I always hit on 16, then get busted.