Get jokes
Why did mommy disappear? The dad: Well, when she crossed the road to get to the chicken, she only made it halfway.
I hate this. Everybody knows it's how I roll, if you jump into my van you get a Tootsie Roll. My uncle said this...
Why did the pelican get kicked out of the restaurant? Because he had a big bill.
How do you get 500 dead babies into a car?
A blender.
How do you get 500 dead babies out of a car?
A straw.
Why do nuns walk in groups?
So one “nun” can keep an eye on the other “nun” just to make sure that she isn’t getting "nun".
Memes
What is easier to pick up the heavier it gets?
Women.
How do you get 1 million followers?
You run through Africa with a bottle of water.
The people in Florida yelling "White Power!" is amusing, because when they get permanent sunburn from the Florida sun, they are not white anymore.
How do you get an emo out of a tree?
Just cut the rope.
How do you get a black kid to stop jumping on your bed? Put velcro on the ceiling.
Have you heard about the baby with cancer? It never gets old.
Why did the orphan cross the road?
To finally get his milk.
You know what flowers and depressed people have in common?
Both end up getting cut.
Are you electricity? 'Cause I wanna get a bath with you ;)
What time is it when you walk into a wall? Time to get to bed!
Sketchy dude: If you push this button you get 100 million dollars but 100 million people would die.
Me: If I push it more than once do I get more money?
Sketchy dude: Yes, but more people die.
Me: *rapidly pushes button* This is how you solve world hunger.
Sketchy dude: ... wtf, you're insane.
Me: ...
Why did Susie get cut from the soccer team? She has no legs!
Who broke into my house by kicking down my door? Not Susie... But she still is in my basement, since she can't run!
Q: What's the difference between an egg and me?
A: An egg gets laid.
What's the worst part about hearing a special needs kid getting hit by a car?
Having to listen to the wheelchair scraping for a mile and a half.
My life is a lot like a game of Black Jack.
I always hit on 16, then get busted.