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My happiest moment in life was getting a positive grade on my H.I.V. test without studying.
So a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods.
The boy turns to the man and says, "Hey mister, it's getting dark out, and I’m scared... Can we go back now?"
So the man says: "How do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone!"
What do you get when you insert human DNA into a goat? Banned from the petting zoo!
What did the downs kid get on his math test??
Drool.
Why do orphan girls love pedophiles? Because they get to call someone “Daddy”!
Memes
How do you get 4 gay guys on a bar stool? You turn it upside down.
How do you get them back off again? You jerk them off.
Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.
Poor bastard.
What's the difference between an orphan and an apple?
The apple gets picked.
Why doesn’t Pakistan have any football teams?
Every corner they get, they open a shop on it!
Why did the fish cross the sea?
To get to the other tide! 😂 😂 😂
How do you get a Koala to fall asleep?
Sing a koala-by.
So my mom sent a text saying, "I'm gonna need help carrying groceries when I get back." That was 3 months ago.
Why did Steven Hawking not go to heaven after he died?
He could not get up the stairs?
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the gay man's house.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.
So I went to my friend's funeral today. As we were all leaving, a kid put a "get well soon" card next to my friend's grave. 'Poor kid'.
WARNING OFFENSIVE: What is the difference between a redhead and a brick? ... A brick gets laid.
A priest and a nun are traveling across the desert on a camel, and when all of a sudden the camel dies. They’re in the middle of the desert with no hope of rescue when that night the priest thinks to himself that he can’t die a virgin. He looks over at the nun and pulls out his penis. The nun says, "Father, what is that?" He says, "This, sister, is the wand of life." The nun says, "Good, now go stick it in that camel's ass and let’s get the hell out of here!"
How do you avoid getting raped? Just don't say no!
What did the little boy say to the fat man?
How many Japs did you get?
*Hears the news about Sandy Hook* Person 1: "God, I can only imagine what was going through those kids' heads in the last moments of their lives..."
Person 2: "Probably Bullets."
Person 1: "OMG!! Can you even think of what their parents are going through?!"
Person 2: "Probably Coffin Brochures."
Person 1: "...."
Person 2: "It's called dark humor. Dark humor is like food, not everyone gets it."