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What do you tell your butt cheek when you need to use the bathroom? "Hold it in, so you won't get constipated and die."
What's the difference between an apple and an orphan?
The apple gets picked.
Fortnite is just like high school. You get off the bus and start shooting everybody.
One day, Little Johnny walks in on his dad getting dressed and asked, "What is that, Daddy?" Dad said, "Oh, that's my snake." The next day, Little Johnny walks in on his mom getting dressed and asks, "What is that?" Mom says, "That's my bushes." The next day, Little Johnny can't sleep, so he goes into his parents' room and asks Dad, "Why is your snake going into Mom's bushes?"
Hi, I did not get your text. I texted you when I texted you. You are not [responding].
Five minutes later, she agreed to get with me, so we went and rocked the minivan like, "Giggity, Giggity, Giggity!"
Why did the people get a chicken?
To make eggs.
How are peppers 🌶 so nosey?
They get jalapeño business.
How do you get a fat kid to lose weight?
You pay the ice cream man to keep on driving. IDK.
If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple 'thank you' is all I need.
Not all this 'How did you get in my house?' business.
What does the sign say on the hooker house after they were on lockdown?
Answer: "We're on lockdown, get lost pervert."
What’s the difference between an apple and an orphan?
The apple gets picked.
Why did the chicken cross the towers?
Because he ordered a plane pizza and didn’t get to the other side.
Why did Steven Hawking not go to heaven after he died?
He could not get up the stairs?
Dad/Mom: Son, you're adopted.
Son: I know. *holds up daddy's phone that has the text of them talking about it.*
Dad: Babe, we need to talk.
Mom: Okay......
Dad: He's grounded.
Mom: You're right, you're grounded! Oh, and I'm dumping you.
Son: Am I getting a new daddy?
Mom: Soon honey, soon....
Dad: I really shouldn't have let her know I cheating.
1. You're so dumb, you think Cheerios are donut seeds!
2. You're so fat, you could sell shade!
3. You're just like coconut water, nobody likes you!
4. Have you been shopping lately? Because they're selling lives around the corner, you should go get one!
If being ugly was a crime, you would get a life sentence!!
Are these good?
Why did the blind man get killed? Because he never saw it coming.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
To get to the rear end.
A guy is at home and he's about to go get a physical at the doctor's office. When he gets there, the doctor says, "Brian, you're going to have to stop masturbating." He asked the doc why? The doc said, "So I can examine you!"
When you accidentally turn in your suicide note instead of your essay to the teacher, but she still gives you an A.