Get jokes

What's the difference between orphans and apples?

Apples get picked.

What did Jenny get for her birthday after a car accident?

An amputation.

Why did the bum get a slap?

Because it was being too cheeky.

Why do emos like yo-yo's? Cos they get strangled by the string.

Johnny Depp once said in an interview: "I get older, my girlfriends stay the same age."

Maybe Johnny Depp's soulmate isn't born yet. We'll see in 20-25 years.

A retard won a break-dancing competition. All he did was go to get a drink.

Who goes to a comedian show and gets offended?

A feminist.

Why did Yoda go to jail for rape?

He doesn't get consent; he just uses the force.

What is the similarity between a joke and food?

Some people just don't get them!

Three construction workers were sitting on the bridge that they were building, having their lunch break. The first guy says, "If I get a Vegemite sandwich again, I am going to jump off this bridge." The second guy says, "If I get a peanut butter sandwich again, I am going to jump off this bridge." The third guy says, "If I get another strawberry jam sandwich, then I am going to jump off this bridge." The next day, the first guy gets a Vegemite sandwich, the second guy gets a peanut butter sandwich, and the third guy gets a strawberry jam sandwich. All three guys jump off the bridge and die. The next day at their funerals, the first wife says, "If he just told me, I would have given him a different sandwich." The second guy's wife says, "It is all my fault. If only I knew." The third wife says, "I don't get it, he makes his own lunch."

Why are there no good Indian actors? Because all the good ones are trying to get your bank details over the phone.

Q: What does a dead prostitute and a swimming pool have in common?

A: They're both cold when you first get in, but warm up after a few strokes.

Why did Sally fall out of the swing?

She had no arms.

Why couldn’t she get up?

Because she had no friends.

Customer: "Can I get this in a smaller size and a different color?"

Employee: "Ma'am, this is an adoption agency, you can't do that here!"

If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep... That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.

After long consideration, I've decided to get a zebra tattoo on my wrist. Not like anyone will notice the difference.

Roses are red, Violets are twisted, You bend over, You're about to get fisted.

Why did the Mexican get put on anxiety meds?

Because of Hispanic attacks.

How is sex like air? It’s not a big deal unless you aren’t getting any.

I've realized that suicide would solve all my problems... if I could just get the right people to try it.