Chuck Norris gets pulled over by a cop, and the cop gets a ticket.
Crucifixion - only one guy who nailed it... at least Jesus didn't get screwed over, but I bet he was pretty cross about being forced to hang around.
What does a perverted frog say? Rub it.
Why don't witches wear underwear? To get a better grip on their broom.
What do girls and rocks have in common? The flat ones get skipped.
What is red and goes 200 mph? A baby in a blender.
- The emo went to give the tree a high five, but the emo was left hanging.
- How did the gay person die? Homicide.
- Why did the emo get kicked out of the amusement park? He was cutting in line.
- When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it leaves and never comes back.
- I cried when my dad chopped onions. Onions was such a good dog.
- I have happy memories building sandcastles with my dad, until my mom took his urn away.
- How is the person over there different from cancer? His dad didn't beat cancer.
Who goes to a comedian show and gets offended?
A feminist.
Three construction workers were sitting on the bridge that they were building, having their lunch break. The first guy says, "If I get a Vegemite sandwich again, I am going to jump off this bridge." The second guy says, "If I get a peanut butter sandwich again, I am going to jump off this bridge." The third guy says, "If I get another strawberry jam sandwich, then I am going to jump off this bridge." The next day, the first guy gets a Vegemite sandwich, the second guy gets a peanut butter sandwich, and the third guy gets a strawberry jam sandwich. All three guys jump off the bridge and die. The next day at their funerals, the first wife says, "If he just told me, I would have given him a different sandwich." The second guy's wife says, "It is all my fault. If only I knew." The third wife says, "I don't get it, he makes his own lunch."
Why did Sally fall out of the swing?
She had no arms.
Why couldn’t she get up?
Because she had no friends.
If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep... That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.
Why did the Mexican get put on anxiety meds?
Because of Hispanic attacks.
The people in Florida yelling "White Power!" is amusing, because when they get permanent sunburn from the Florida sun, they are not white anymore.
How is sex like air? It’s not a big deal unless you aren’t getting any.
Do trees shit?
Well, how else would we get #2 pencils?
I've realized that suicide would solve all my problems... if I could just get the right people to try it.
If you wanna really know how to get under my skin, give me a razor and maybe we'll talk ;)
After long consideration, I've decided to get a zebra tattoo on my wrist. Not like anyone will notice the difference.
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen! Ugh!”
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and angrily sits down. She says to a man next to her “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off! Go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you."
Why did Yoda go to jail for rape?
He doesn't get consent; he just uses the force.
A baby skunk's mother gets hit by a car, so the baby skunk doesn't know what he is.
So the baby skunk walks up to a baby bunny and asks, "What are you?" The baby bunny replies, "Well, I'm a baby bunny. What are you?" The baby skunk says, "Well, I don't know, am I a baby bunny too?"
The baby bunny says, "No, you're not a baby bunny." So the baby skunk asks, "Well, what am I then?"
The baby bunny replies, "Well, you're not exactly blank and you're not exactly white, so you must be Mexican."
What is the similarity between a joke and food?
Some people just don't get them!
