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What do you get when you cross a highway on a bike?
Run over.
Why did Sarah fall off the swings? Because she had no arms.
Why couldn't she get up? Because she had no friends.
I saw your mother get into a white Ford Taurus on the corner of Milton and Halliburton, and you're still trying to tell me she ain't got no job cause she "can't get a ride to work?"
Why doesn't bread like warm weather?
It gets toasty!
What did one orphan say to the other? "Robin, get in the Batmobile."
Where did Suzy go after getting lost on a minefield?
"Everywhere."
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?
He forgot to wrap his Whopper.
At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.
Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”
What's the best thing about dead baby jokes?
They never get old.
Where is an elephant’s penis?
On their feet, because if you get trampled on, you’re fucked.
What happens when an emo kid loses a Kahoot? He gets a 25 kill streak.
Why didn’t the construction worker build a bridge?
He was scared to get across.
How do you get 50 babies into a car?
You blend them.
Why do orphans always get picked on?
They can't run and tell their parents.
You know you're ugly when you get handed the camera every time your friends have a group picture.
Boy goes to Confession.
Boy: "What are you doing, father?"
Priest: "It's called masturbation and soon you will be doing it."
Boy: "Why do you say that, father?"
Priest: "'Cause my hand is getting tired."
Kid: How much do you get paid?
Teacher: Minimum wage.
Friend: How dark is your humor?
Me: It gets beat by the cops on a daily basis.
Why do orphans never play baseball?
'Cause they can never get a home run.
An 80-year-old blind man asks his grandson, "Can you grab my glasses?"
Then the grandson says, "Did you get in the flour again?"
Grandpa said, "No, it was the weed."