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I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bred dog.

Q. What's the best part of living in Alabama?

A. Not having to change your last name when you get married.

What's the difference between a white woman and a tornado siren?

The tornado siren doesn't get raped.

I don't understand why people get offended by incest jokes; they're so family friendly.

What’s the difference between women and cars?

At least cars retain some of their value after getting wrecked.

Boobs are like friends: you have big ones, small ones, real ones, fake ones, but they all get taken out by cancer.

Why do orphans like playing tennis so much?

Because it’s the only way they’ll ever get love.

Do you like soccer? My favorite player is Ronaldo, but we can still get Messi.

My girlfriend really wants me to get her pregnant so she would have a father figure in her life for once.

Joe Biden would’ve died in the Secret Service tackle. They would have been like, "Get down Mr. Presi-"