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I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bred dog.

What's the difference between a white woman and a tornado siren?

The tornado siren doesn't get raped.

What’s the difference between women and cars?

At least cars retain some of their value after getting wrecked.

Boobs are like friends: you have big ones, small ones, real ones, fake ones, but they all get taken out by cancer.

Why do orphans like playing tennis so much?

Because it’s the only way they’ll ever get love.

My girlfriend really wants me to get her pregnant so she would have a father figure in her life for once.