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My girlfriend really wants me to get her pregnant so she would have a father figure in her life for once.
Joe Biden would’ve died in the Secret Service tackle. They would have been like, "Get down Mr. Presi-"
My girlfriend told me her lips were dry, and she had the audacity to get mad at me for telling her to walk.
Where do babies get baptized?
So the priest can wash their sex toys.
Emma Watson gets hotter and hotter in the Harry Potter movies when you’re watching in reverse order.
Your mom is so dumb that somebody told her, "Go get a life," so she went to play Super Mario and got a 1-up.
What was the comment that Vice President Harris said in the United States Senate when a blue dog democrat in the United States Senate called Vice President Harris a bitch?
Kibbles 'N Bits!! Kibbles 'N Bits!! I is going to get me some Kibbles 'N Bits!!
Two Italian men get on a bus.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. They speak with an Italian accent.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
If a pregnant lady murders someone, does the child get an assist?
Why did the football player go to the bank?
To get his quarter back.
I just prevented a 10-year-old from getting assaulted.
Nothing much, I just decided to go home.
It's telling that Ye gets more offended when he's called a gayfish than a Nazi.
💪 💪 🏋️♂️ What do you get when you cross a physically disabled gay white male who works out at the gym, who is a bukkake slut, and a physically disabled gay white male who works out at the gym, who is a sex worker?
Cum Junkie.
How can you be fast and slow at the same time, getting a gold medal in the Special Olympics?
If you hate what you hear from Nickelback, at least you can get your nickel back.
If you have to deal with the noise from Deftones... unfortunately, not only are you unable to obtain any refund, but you may have become permanently deaf.
What do rocks and girls have in common?
The flat ones get skipped.
Every depressed person just has to say, "I WANT TO JUMP OFF THAT TALL BUILDING RIGHT THERE!" and then points to the building and runs up to it like an immature child, and then they get disappointed when they aren't allowed into the building.
A woman's age is harder to get than the President's phone number.
The worst part about working for the department of unemployment is when you get fired, you still have to show up the next day.
What do you get when you cross a corrupt lawyer with a crooked politician?
Chelsea Clinton.