Funeral jokes

I was always poked and told at weddings your next... So I went to funerals and poked them and said your next.....

My mate caught me sniffing his disabled sister's knickers the other day. It wouldn't have been so bad, but she was wearing them at the time. It made the rest of the funeral so awkward.

1. Full name: John.

2. Proverb: work is not a rabbit, does not run.

3. Favorite meal: the sphinx with the sour cream.

4. Sexual orientation: sexually disorientated.

5. Mental health: mentally retarded.

6. Previous careers: funeral undertaking, after that two years in the circus as the main brown bear, after that in the church school for two years, after this experience five years as a screw in the jail for the worst criminals with the top degree of supervision and now working for the secret services in my home country after gaining the top-secret audit.

7. Favorite pets: dog, bumble bee named Maxo, a butterfly named Redwing and the lizard named Notail.

8. Favorite activities: washing the dishes, cutting the woods, vacuuming and playing hard rock.

9. Working motivation: none.

I hope that you will accept my curriculum vitae and that we will see each other soon already as new colleagues, I wish more or less. Kind regards, John.

I wanted to do something nice for my uncle, so I cleaned out the nice vase that was given at grandma's funeral. It had so much sand, I'm glad to help.

When your baby is stillborn and you have a funeral, what song should you never play?

Alphaville - "Forever Young."

When earthquakes hit, coffins become maracas underground.

I was at a funeral and told a joke, and my sister said, "I'm dead." So I said, "That's what she said."

A friend of mine used to be morbidly obese, but after lots of exercise and hard work... We were able to lift his coffin.

Ted Bundy walks into a bar wearing all black. The bartender asks, “Whose funeral is it?”

Ted Bundy looks around the room and replies, “I haven’t decided yet.”

Say this when you answer a spam call...

"Hi, welcome to Bob's Taco Shack and Funeral Home, where yesterday's grief is today's beef."

You'll end up DEAD if you don't stop COFFIN!!!

#RIPBOZO

Little Johnny’s father walks into the bathroom and catches him masturbating. He says, “Son, every time you do that, you kill an innocent baby.”

The next day, his father walks into the bathroom and catches him again. Johnny says, “Bow your head, Dad. Can’t you see we’re having a funeral?”

You're the type of person to play "Girl on Fire" during a funeral.

I was at a funeral. I kissed a hot girl I did not know. She was the one that died.

You're at a funeral. Your mum says be quiet, so you snigger at the body and say, "Bye forever, bitch."

I'm gonna eat a hell of a lot of popcorn kernels before I die just to make the cremation a little more interesting.

Ah yes, cremation. My last chance of having a smokin' hot body.

The optimistic midget's coffin was half full.

My grandma refused to be an organ donor. She was buried with all her musical instruments.