Ted Bundy walks into a bar wearing all black. The bartender asks, “Whose funeral is it?”
Ted Bundy looks around the room and replies, “I haven’t decided yet.”
What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk.
Attended my boss's funeral to pay my respects. On my way out, I leaned over his casket and whispered lightly, "Well, look who's thinking outside the box now."
What did Kermit the Frog say at Jim Henson's funeral? Nothing.
My Chinese friend died recently, So Yung.
Why did the man miss the funeral?
He wasn’t a mourning person.
When my Uncle Frank died, he wanted his cremations to be buried in his favorite beer mug.
His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.
Why is it that if you donate a kidney, people love you? But if you donate five kidneys, they call the police.
My senior relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying things like, “You’ll be next!” They stopped once I started doing the same to them at funerals.
My friend had one request for me before he committed suicide, and that was to play Van Halen’s “Jump” at his funeral.
I was at a funeral. I kissed a hot girl I did not know. She was the one that died.
Putting WiFi in the morgue to enable live streaming.
What's the worst thing to say at a funeral? "Hi guys, welcome to my unboxing video!"
When my family goes to weddings, my senior relatives tell me things like “You’re next!” So I started doing the same to them at funerals.
You don't want to know why it takes so long to put a dead woman in a mass-produced coffin in a pre-buried grave dug by machinery that is then filled by mourners.
Today, I filmed an unboxing video at my friend's funeral.
His parents weren't too happy.
I bet the emo kids are jealous when they go to a funeral.
The optimistic midget's coffin was half full.
What do you say to someone being cremated? You urned it!
Mom, where are we going?
To your grandma's funeral.
Yeah, 'cause I 360 no-scoped that b*tch in the face.
When I die, I'll let everyone I kept dear lower my coffin into the ground.
So they can let me down one last time.
