Friendship jokes

Friend 1: Eyyy gurl

Me: Hey! (Fake smile)

Friend 2: Hey g-guys what 'bout we play would you rather?

6 hours later

Friend 2: So (name) would u rather? 1. "Hang" out with me Or 2. "Jump" 1 times?

Me...e-eh?...Why not both????? We could just "Jump" while "Hanging" out right?

Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap.

He was high on my list of priorities.

Me having a good day. Going on a walk on a peaceful day.

My depression: hey, what's up!

Me: go away.

My depression: well how rude.

Me: 🙄.

My depression: remember that one time......

Me: no, don't even.

My depression: that we.....

Me: nope.

My depression: *says really fast*: said that one stupid joke that wasn't funny and everybody just stared at you, and then you spilled water all over yourself and it looked like you peed yourself. And you went home and cried yourself to sleep just like you do every single night.

Me: 😳😶😟.

My depression: 😉 don't worry I'll always be here for you.

So, I had an orphan friend, and he asked me, "How's your girlfriend?" I said, "I don't have one." He said, "I know, I just wanted to remind you." Then I asked, "How are your parents?" After that, I never saw him again.

I told my friend ten puns to see what one made him laugh. No pun in ten did.

When me and my friend went to the market, my friend tried to scan my arm, and I asked her what she was doing. She answered, "Oh, I had to buy you so I don't steal you."

Friends are like trees, they fall over if you hit them with an ax.

This year my friends wanted to dress up as crayons for Halloween. They asked me if I wanted to be a tan crayon. I didn’t want to, but I said yes to be nice. I wish I had said no, because now I look like a dick to everyone else.

Why did Sally fall out of the swing?

She had no arms.

Why couldn’t she get up?

Because she had no friends.

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend." Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence." Anybody relate?

A high school student and his best friend were rushing to class after his best friend caused them both to be late. His best friend asked, "Would you like to hear a joke?" "Sure," he replied. "What do you and your sister have in common?" "I don't know." "Because of me you're both late for your next period."

My friend was on a wheelchair... he committed suicide yesterday. I remember when I met him last time, he told us a good joke and I appreciated him and told him to become a stand-up comedian.

Knock knock. Who's there? Depression. That's my best friend.

When your friend asks why you don't smile, then you look at them and realize no one is there because you have no friends. #my life

A necrophiliac woman goes over to her friend's house after hooking up.

"Was it hung?" her friend asks.

"No, he was shot."

Why aren't emos and trees friends? Because the tree leaves them hanging.

I call my friends Dodo birds. Because they don't exist.

What do a fat chick and a moped have in common?

They’re both fun to ride until your friends find out.

My friend died from an allergic reaction. He gave me an EpiPen while he was dying, so now I have something to remember him from.

What do you call it when a person with Down syndrome gets friendzoned?

Chromozoned.