Friends jokes

Two friends are talking and one says, "I had a good day today, I ran into my ex." The other guy replies, "How is that good?" The friend says, "I was in my car."

What do you call it when a friend calms his suicidal friend? "Hang in there, buddy."

A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the house. He got the outside.

My friend loves playing Roulette, so I figured I would introduce him to Russian Roulette. Blew his mind.

I know five fat people, and you're three of them.

A 13 year old girl is having a sleepover. One of her friends asks, "When was the last time you had an orgasm?" She replies, "3 days ago." Dad comes bursting in, "I KNEW YOU WERE FAKING LAST NIGHT!"

Friend says, "You were so drunk last night, you threw a mushroom at a midget and said, 'Grow, Mario, grow.'"

Friend: “What's that on your arm?”

Me: “Oh, nothing. Just decided I wanted to cosplay a tiger.”

Just all us depressed people joking about our depressed lives, we should hang out sometime.

I asked my North Korean friend, "what's it like to live in North Korea?" He responded, "can't complain."

It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.

Me: Hey, do you want to see my grandma?

Friend: Yeah, sure.

Me: *pulls out gun*

Friends are like penguins.

If you stab a penguin, they die.

You find some dust on the ground. Your friends dare you to snort it... Then you realize you're in a crematorium.

My suicidal friend said he liked trains, so we took him to the tracks.

Your hairline shape is so badly shaped like a M, me and my friends thought it was McDonald's.

"I told my black friend a joke. I told him he needs to lighten up!"

What do you call a necrophiliac gangbang?

Cracking open a cold one with the boys.

When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to tell her how sorry you are.”

He whispered back, “Why? I didn’t kill him.”

I got my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He came back a week later and said it was the most violent book he’s ever read.