Friends jokes

My friend loves playing Roulette, so I figured I would introduce him to Russian Roulette. Blew his mind.

My black friend told me to stop making racist jokes...

...I told him to lighten up.

"I told my black friend a joke. I told him he needs to lighten up!"

What do you call it when a friend calms his suicidal friend? "Hang in there, buddy."

A 13 year old girl is having a sleepover. One of her friends asks, "When was the last time you had an orgasm?" She replies, "3 days ago." Dad comes bursting in, "I KNEW YOU WERE FAKING LAST NIGHT!"

Your hairline shape is so badly shaped like a M, me and my friends thought it was McDonald's.

I asked my North Korean friend, "what's it like to live in North Korea?" He responded, "can't complain."

I know five fat people, and you're three of them.

Friend says, "You were so drunk last night, you threw a mushroom at a midget and said, 'Grow, Mario, grow.'"

Friend: “What's that on your arm?”

Me: “Oh, nothing. Just decided I wanted to cosplay a tiger.”

Me: Hey, do you want to see my grandma?

Friend: Yeah, sure.

Me: *pulls out gun*

Just all us depressed people joking about our depressed lives, we should hang out sometime.

Friends are like penguins.

If you stab a penguin, they die.

It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.

You find some dust on the ground. Your friends dare you to snort it... Then you realize you're in a crematorium.

My suicidal friend said he liked trains, so we took him to the tracks.

My blind friend is so annoying, he kept bumping into things even though I repeatedly told him to look where he was going.

When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to tell her how sorry you are.”

He whispered back, “Why? I didn’t kill him.”

What do you call a necrophiliac gangbang?

Cracking open a cold one with the boys.

I got my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He came back a week later and said it was the most violent book he’s ever read.