Friends jokes

When the chair was invented, the inventor's friend wanted to know what it did. The inventor replied: "You might want to sit down for this."

My friend loves playing Roulette, so I figured I would introduce him to Russian Roulette. Blew his mind.

What do you call it when a friend calms his suicidal friend? "Hang in there, buddy."

A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the house. He got the outside.

I know five fat people, and you're three of them.

A 13 year old girl is having a sleepover. One of her friends asks, "When was the last time you had an orgasm?" She replies, "3 days ago." Dad comes bursting in, "I KNEW YOU WERE FAKING LAST NIGHT!"

I asked my North Korean friend, "what's it like to live in North Korea?" He responded, "can't complain."

Friend says, "You were so drunk last night, you threw a mushroom at a midget and said, 'Grow, Mario, grow.'"

Friend: “What's that on your arm?”

Me: “Oh, nothing. Just decided I wanted to cosplay a tiger.”

"I told my black friend a joke. I told him he needs to lighten up!"

Just all us depressed people joking about our depressed lives, we should hang out sometime.

Friends are like penguins.

If you stab a penguin, they die.

It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.

Me: Hey, do you want to see my grandma?

Friend: Yeah, sure.

Me: *pulls out gun*

You find some dust on the ground. Your friends dare you to snort it... Then you realize you're in a crematorium.

My suicidal friend said he liked trains, so we took him to the tracks.

Your hairline shape is so badly shaped like a M, me and my friends thought it was McDonald's.

What do you call a necrophiliac gangbang?

Cracking open a cold one with the boys.

My black friend told me to stop making racist jokes...

...I told him to lighten up.

When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to tell her how sorry you are.”

He whispered back, “Why? I didn’t kill him.”