Friends jokes

I comforted my friend about his wife's death, until I found out who did it.

A guy is due to meet his friends for drinks at a bar but arrives late. When he does eventually turn up his friends ask why he is late.

The guy says, "Well, you won't believe what just happened. I was walking my usual route via the rail tracks when suddenly I saw a young, naked woman tied up next to the tracks. Of course I untied her and we had sex because I freed her."

The friends are cheering and one friend asks, "So... did you get any head?"

The guy replies, "No, I couldn't find it."

A friend asked me, "Where are you going?"

I answered, "6 feet underground."

A kid annoyed me the other day. I told him to shut up and go back to his parents. That's the last time I'm going to an orphanage.

I hate when I lose my white friends in the snow and my black friends in the dark. Where do I lose my friends from Afghanistan?

In an explosion.

My friend told me he had a sister. I asked if she was hot, and he said she was 8. That wasn't my question.

So I had a friend who was an orphan, and he said, "How's your girlfriend?" I said, "I don't have one." He said, "I know, just reminding you." I then said, "Hey, how's your parents?" I never saw him after that.

Why did the noble gas cry?

Because all his friends Argon.

Me: Happy birthday! I got you a Rubix cube! Friend: I hate you. Me: Why? Friend: I'm color blind.

Me: why are Americans so good at rubix cubing? Friend: why? Me: they have a history of separating colors.

My best friend looked at my arms and said, "Stop, sh*t, it's bad," then turns right around and says, "You look like a tiger."

So from here on out I am now Finn, the self-harming tiger.

Why did Sally fall off the swing?

She had no arms.

Why couldn't she get up?

She had no friends.

Knock Knock (Who's there?)

Not Sally...

My friend committed suicide yesterday... At least he went out with a bang.

I lost my black friend in the shadows. I lost my white friend on the wall. I lost my Asian friend in the sand and I lost my Islamic friend in the bombings.

What is killing your friend called?

A homie-side.

I told my friend yesterday he's literally my dad.

He didn't show up for the rest of the year.

Two friends are talking and one says, "I had a good day today, I ran into my ex." The other guy replies, "How is that good?" The friend says, "I was in my car."

What's the cool thing about bringing a pack of gum or a shotgun to school?

When you pull one out everybody wants to be your friend. :)

My friend called me a dick earlier. I said, "You are what you eat." He then proceeded to run away from me.

"I told my black friend a joke. I told him he needs to lighten up!"