Football

Football jokes

Football Team

    • Calling Alabama's football team an astonishment would be the biggest understatement of the century, especially since they continuously catch balls from someone who isn't related to them.

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    • Sentence

    • Fritzchen was supposed to remember three sentences. He asks his mother, "Mom, do you have any news?" The mother replies angrily, "Stop it!"

    Fritzchen goes to see his father, who is watching a football match. When a goal is scored, he shouts, "That's it!"

    Finally, he asks his sister, "Sister, do you have anything to say?" She is currently reading a story about a fool and says, "He is the dumbest person in the world!"

    The next day at school, the teacher asks, "Fritzchen, did you learn the phrases?" Fritzchen replies, "Stop it!" The teacher is shocked: "Fritzchen! Don't say that to me. Go to the principal immediately!" Fritzchen shouts, "That's it!" Arriving at the principal's office, he asks, "Who do you think I am?" Fritzchen promptly replies, "He's the dumbest person in the world!"

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    • Football memes

    Mama

    • Yo Mama is so stupid, she thought the football team Rams were actually the animal rams.

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    • Penaldo

    • Once I went to watch a match in Portugal. It was between Penaldo and his kids. The referee was Georgiana (his wife). Mpaypal and Igayspeed were also there. The match began, and his kids scored two goals in the first 10 minutes. Then, when the match was about to end, Penaldo got angry and asked his wife for penalties. His wife declined, and he tortured and beat her up and took 10 penalties (missed 7 of them) but won 3-2. Shame on you, Penaldo! 😡😡😡

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    • Result

    • I just got my doctor’s test results and I’m really upset about it. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.

    My grief counselor died. He was so good, I don’t even care.

    Today, I asked my phone “Siri, why am I still single?” and it activated the front camera.

    A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!”

    As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

    I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it. Then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

    The doctor gave me some cream for my skin rash. He said I was a sight for psoriasis.

    Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight. Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.

    I don’t have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere.

    Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when you push them down the stairs.

    A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can’t cut me down,” the tree exclaims, “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”

    My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.

    What does my dad have in common with Nemo? They both can’t be found.

    I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

    When my Uncle Frank died, he wanted his cremations to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.

    Do you know the phrase “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure”? Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted.

    My husband left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.” I’m not sure what he’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!

    Why did the man miss the funeral? He wasn’t a mourning person.

    It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.

    Want to know how you make any salad into a Caesar salad? Stab it twenty-three times.

    When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on outings.

    Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

    My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and left. Right.

    When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.

    A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, “Do you have any last requests?” “Yes,” replies the murderer. “Can you please hold my hand?”

    I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.

    The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

    You know you’re not liked when you get handed the camera every time they take a group photo.

    Where did Joe go after getting lost on a minefield? Everywhere.

    What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

    My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. So I unplugged his life support.

    My parents raised me as an only child, which really pissed off my sister.

    What did the Titanic say as it sank? I’m nominating all passengers for the Ice Bucket Challenge!

    Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens? When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, “Bach, Bach, Bach.”

    How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.

    I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was 5.

    They laughed at my crayon drawing. I laughed at their chalk outline.

    My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

    I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.

    The most corrupt CEOs are the ones who run pretzel companies. They’re always so twisted.

    To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.

    I was reading a great book about an immortal cat the other day. It was impossible to put down.

    You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.

    I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear.

    What’s the difference between a hipster and a football player? A football player showers.

    I made a website for orphans. It doesn’t have a home page.

    The other day, my girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.

    Why can’t Michael Jackson go within 500 meters of a school? Because he’s dead.

    Sex

    • My little league football debut was a lot like the first time I had sex. I was beaten, bruised, and bloody, but at least my Dad came.

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    • ABC

    • So, Johnny was in kindergarten, and his teacher assigned him to learn the ABC's. So he goes home and asks his mom, who's cooking, "What's the first letter of the ABC's?" He asks, and his mom responds with "SHUT UP... I'M COOKING!"

    So then he walks to his sister, who's singing in the shower, and asks her, "What's the 2nd letter of the ABC's?" She responds with "I'm ready to go, I'm ready to go!" Then he walks over to his brother, who's watching Batman, and asks, "What's the 3rd letter of the ABC's?" and his brother responds with "Nu nu nu nu Batman!" Then he proceeds to walk to his dad, who's watching football, and asks, "Dad, what's the 4th letter of the ABC's?" and he responds with "95 HIT EM HARD!" Then he walks to his grandma, who's cooking buns, and asks her, "What's the 5th letter of the ABC's?" and she responds with "MY BUNS ARE RED HOT RED HOT!" Then Johnny proceeds to go to school the next day, and the teacher says to her class, "Can any of you tell me the first letter of the ABC's?" Johnny, of course, raises his hand, and the teacher calls on him. Then he says, "SHUT UP I'M COOKING!" Then the teacher raises and eyebrow and says, "Young man, are you ready to go to the principal's office?" Then he proceeds to say, "I'm ready to go, I'm ready to go!" and he walks to the principal's office. Then she says, "What's your name, son?" He responds with "Nu nu nu nu Batman!" Then the principal asks, "How many spankin's, boy?!" He responds with "95 HIT EM HARD!" and after that, he runs out of the principal's office while yelling "MY BUNS ARE RED HOT RED HOT!"

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